Piazza Bellezza

Found in my Bed Tonight

2012-02-08T20:03:00.001-08:00

Irony

2012-02-05T15:29:00.001-08:00

In the February Relief Society newsletter for our ward, the presidency message cited Daughters in My Kingdom. Yay!

But, the quotation was by Brigham Young. Boo...

Favorite Things About My Town

2012-02-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

We moved to Eden Prairie in 2006, so come June, we will have 6 years here. Amazing. I don't think we thought we'd live here that long, and I started to feel really claustrophobic around year 4 1/2 when I realized we had been here longer than any other place we had lived. And to top it off, I liked it less than any other place we lived.

There are many things I love about Minnesota, and Eden Prairie. I am going to write about them to remind myself of what's wonderful (even if I don't think the whole package is perfect).

Number one over and over is Staring Lake, only a couple of miles from our house. It has a path circumnavigating the lake which trails through dense foliage and tall trees. There is a little outdoor center which offers kids' classes and family activities, and it has a telescope. There is a great park which the kids love and an amphitheater for summer music and drama. We are there during all seasons.

Because the winter has been so mild, we have been more often than other winters. T got to try out his new rollerblades right after Christmas. I took the kids there on a Sunday afternoon when AJ was gone and we walked around the lake and onto the frozen lake to slide around and look at animal prints.

Last week, I worked from home rather than deal with the traffic snarl-ups during a snow storm. At the end of my work day, I hustled over to the lake so I could get a walk in before picking up the kids. It was gorgeous. I was alone on the trail for virtually the entire time, with only the sound of snow crunching and an occasional bird call. There is something so soothing to me about walking around the lake.

Time to Step it Up

2012-01-30T10:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I just looked at my pathetic stats for 2011. A total of 11 posts. Terrible, just terrible. I have so many blog posts in my head (still thinking about summer 2011 highlights!), but then I get home from work and the last thing I want to do is sit down at the computer desk and type. I am going to try blogging from the iPad (anyone out there do that?) and see if there is less of a mental barrier.

Career Aspirations

2011-10-24T12:31:00.001-07:00

When we were out with kids this weekend, the conversation of their future careers came up.

MJ is going to be a rich and famous author (a la JK Rowling or Rick Riordan). She will have loft apartments in NYC, Paris, and Rome. And she has agreed that AJ and I can be the caretakers of her Rome residence.

Mr T wants to be a rocket scientist. He has promised to take me for a ride.

The Z-Man says he is going to write Elephant and Piggie books* when he is grown up. He has already been throwing around titles. "I Found a Hole" and "Come On! Come On! It's Time for a Playdate."

*If you don't know what these are, and you have a 2-7 year old, you must immediately find these books. Our favorites are I Broke My Trunk, Elephants Cannot Dance, and Should I Share My Ice Cream? We love Mo Willems in our house!

Rain + Shutdown = Lazy

2011-07-15T09:47:00.003-07:00

You might not be able to tell from the photo, but all morning, it's really dark out and raining heavily. Since I am not a critical employee to the Minnesota state government, I have been on shutdown vacation the last two weeks. This week, I was busy taking the kids to fun places, but today it's been lovely to lay in my bed reading a wonderful book, listening to the rain, while my kids play on the computer. There's a deal in the making, so I'll probably be back to work next week.

Playing Poohsticks

2011-06-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

"Pooh had just come to the bridge; and not looking where he was going, he tripped over something, and the fir-cone jerked out of his paw into the river. 'Bother,' said Pooh, as it floated slowly under the bridge, and he went back to get another fir-cone which had a rhyme to it. But then he thought that he would just look at the river instead, because it was a peaceful sort of day, so he lay down and looked at it, and it slipped slowly away beneath him, and suddenly, there was his fir-cone slipping away too.

'That's funny,' said Pooh. 'I dropped it on the other side,' said Pooh, 'and it came out on this side! I wonder if it would do it again?' And he went back for some more fir-cones. It did. It kept on doing it. Then he dropped two in at once, and leant over the bridge to see which of them would come out first; and one of them did; but as they were both the same size, he didn't know if it was the one which he wanted to win, or the other one. So the next time he dropped one big one and one little one, and the big one came out first, which was what he had said it would do, and the little one came out last, which was what he had said it would do, so he had won twice ... and when he went home for tea, he had won thirty-six and lost twenty-eight, which meant that he was - that he had - well, you take twenty-eight from thirty-six, and that's what he was. Instead of the other way round.

And that was the beginning of the game called Poohsticks, which Pooh invented, and which he and his friends used to play on the edge of the Forest. But they played with sticks instead of fir-cones, because they were easier to mark."

--A A Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

Everytime we walk around the lake, we have to stop and play Poohsticks.

Spring in Minnesota

2011-06-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

Oh, how I adore spring. Everything is green and vibrant. Flowers are blooming, and the smell when it's raining? Divine. And winter is still months away.

We have really been enjoying a path through the woods very near our house which has been preserved because of a creek that flows through the area. I love the feeling of an alternate world, seemingly so far away from the suburbs, that is just outside my front door. It's like a secret place, which few people visit, and where signs of civilizations are rare. Mr T has been my partner in exploration.

This is a conversation we had on this path. The context was what we would do if we needed the bathroom when we were on the trail.

Me: "Did you know that astronauts can't take all the water that they need for a trip into space, and so they have a machine that can convert pee into water to drink?"

T (with a twinkle in his eye): "That is so gross...but so awesome at the same time!"

Schizophrenic Weather

2011-06-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday this week were HOT. Very hot for the Twin Cities. It seemed like our lawn went from lush green to seared brown overnight. The high here on Tuesday was 103. That is the hottest day in the Twin Cities in 23 years! Today, it's chilly out--53 degrees. I chose a dress and sandals, and when walking in to work realized that I had underdressed. Luckily, I had a hoodie in the trunk. I'm sure I'll be wearing it all day.

Weird. Very weird weather.

If you take a kid to soccer...

2011-05-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

All my kids have liked the "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie" books. One small thing happens, which leads to something else and then to something else, until you have a whole wacky string of events. Sometimes real-life random events with kids feel like they come directly from these pages, but not in a fun kind of storybook way.

Here's ours from last night and this morning:

If you take a kid to soccer, he will run around a lot and need to drink a lot of liquids.
When he comes home, it will be time for bed. If he and his little brother can't go to sleep in the same room because they goof around too much, he will go to sleep in his parents' bed.
If all the kids finally get to sleep before 10, mom and dad will bask in a quiet house and try to get things done.
If they take a long to come to bed, they will leave the soccer boy slumbering in their bed without taking him to the bathroom one last time. And just seconds before they come to bed, the soccer kid will expel an amazingly large amount of urine all over himself and his parents' bed, all without waking up.
If the soccer kid wets all over himself and his parents' bed right before his parents are about to collapse into sleep, the dad won't feel like taking the time to find a entire new set of pajamas and will put soccer boy into the lower bunk bed with his little brother in only his underwear and with only one blanket.
If soccer boy is sleeping only in his underwear in his brother's bed, he will try to steal the blanket because he is cold.
If the blanket stealing happens early in the morning, little brother will not be sleeping deeply enough to ignore it and he will wake up and start screaming "My blanket!" over and over even though he went to sleep far later than he should the night before.
And if your kid wakes up at 5:30, chances are you will not be able to go back to sleep, even if dad got up to take care of him. And even more likely, chances are that your kid will be cranky all day.

I want a relaxing weekend!

2011-05-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

May is a crappy month for Mother's Day. There is too much end of the school year stuff going on to really be able to relax. I think I would prefer the third Sunday in June. Why did they pick May anyway? So we could all wear our spring hats?

We have been going full speed ahead for a while now and I don't feel at all ready for another week to start. This is a summary of our last 8 days.

The day before Mother's Day: Dance Recital, two performances. All in all, the total time committed there was from 2 pm until 10 pm
Several soccer practices/games.
Soccer pictures.
Belt testing for karate.
Karate tournament.
School dance festival.
Piano recital.
Stake Relief Society meeting.
AJ out of town for two days.
And then there's just the normal: work, homework, practicing, feeding, clothing, and church stuff.

I'd better go do something relaxing right now so I don't simmer with resentment all week.

Anna Quindlen on Reading

2011-04-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

And a book provides what it always has: a haven. I remember the first year after my second child was born, what I can remember of it at all, as a year of disarary, of overturned glasses of milk, of toys on the floor, of hours from sunrise to sunset that were horribly busy but filled with what, at the end of the day, seemed like absolutely nothing at all. What saved my sanity were books. What saved my sanity from disappearing, if only for fifteen minutes before I inevitably began to nod off in bed, into the dark and placid English rooms of Anita Brookner's newest novel, into the convoluted plots of Elmore Leonard's latest thriller, into one of my old favorites, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Goodbye, Columbus, Our Mutual Friend, Wuthering Heights. The romantic ramblings of Heathcliff make a piquant counterpoint to dirty diapers, that's for sure. And as it was for me when I was young and surrounded by siblings, as it is today when I am surrounded by children, reading continues to provide an escape from a crowded house into an imaginary room of one's own.

---From How Reading Changed My Life

Fragile

2011-03-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, we were at MJ's school to pick her up. Z wanted to walk down the stairs inside the school by himself (though usually he wants to take the elevator and push the buttons BY HIMSELF). Z was up by T, while I was a few steps above them. Then, Z tripped and fell. Oh my. Luckily, he was able to catch himself and only fell down a few stairs rather than the 10-15 to the bottom. The image of him falling head over heels and my powerlessness to do anything about it makes me quake.

He cut his lip in the fall. I grabbed him and he was spurting blood everywhere and screaming. We raced to the bathroom where I tried to apply pressure and wipe him up but he didn't want anything on his face. He just kept wailing. We ran to the car, called Andy, who was on his way home, and told him to meet us at urgent care. He was going to need stitches. As we were driving, he was very distraught. He wanted Andy. He asked me, "Why didn't you hold my hand when I was going down the stairs??" (knife to the heart). MJ kept saying, "It's OK." His response: "It's NOT OK!" I told T, the jokester in the family, to help him feel better, but all he could say was, "I can't look at it! I can't look at it!" Finally, he started talking to Z while looking the other way.

We got to urgent care and checked in, but as soon as the nurse saw how deeply his lip was cut, she told us that we should go to the ER where he would have to be sedated. By then, Andy had met up with us, and Z was calmer. He kept asking for a Sesame Street book, but we had to settle for an Elmo sticker.

Andy ended up taking him to the ER, and I went home with MJ and T. It took them a long time at the ER, and they didn't inform them that he couldn't be sedated if he had eaten. Of course they're going to eat, since it's 7:30 at night. So, by the time they finally got into a room and were seen by a doctor, they had to do the fish hook stitches without sedation anyway. They also didn't have to use the papoose to strap him down. He did great and they finally made it home by 10:15.

Watching my child tumble down the stairs, I felt the shock of how fragile life is. I focus on getting through the days and weeks, making sure homework is done, taking care of responsibilities, but in an instant, that illusion of stability and predictability could be shot to hell. I just kept thinking that it's amazing that we've made it this far without any major accident, illness, or other disaster (the Japanese tragedy has also been weighing on me). I felt really emotional about it for quite a while afterward.

Fun fact that we learned in this whole process: lips are made of a similar material as guts. They completely regenerate themself over a short period of time. We were amazed at how fast his lip healed up. Five to six days later, you could scarcely tell anything had happened.

Still Winter

2011-03-24T06:38:00.001-07:00

After a warm-up, with lots of rain, yesterday and today provided us another blast of winter. It snowed another 6 inches--that awful heavy, slushy snow, and there are giant slushy puddles everywhere. Though, with the overnight temps well below zero, they are frozen puddles. I got stuck in the parking lot at work, and our front steps still need to be shoveled out.

To take my mind off of spring in Minnesota, I am thinking about our spring break trip to Mexico City next week. Just me, Andy, and MJ. The boys get to stay behind with their grandma. It's not the beach, but temperatures have been in the 70's there.

I Love Efficiency

2011-03-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

In a matter of 15 minutes, I managed to get my oil changed, mail two packages, deposit a check, and get my lunch. Does that ever make me feel good!

Plus, it's a no down-coat day. Maybe down-coat season is over! It is 50 degrees out and it is heavenly.

Every time we have had a parent-teacher conference for MJ, the feedback has been 100% consistent. She is doing really well in school, but her personal management skills need work. She forgets to bring home her work and she forgets to turn in her work. She loses her snow pants. She leaves her lunch box on the playground. She sometimes has a hard time following teacher directions, mostly because she isn't listening very well. She likes to chat it up with her friends.

As a kid, I was a typical first child. I was a pleaser and over-achiever. I thrived on competition in the classroom setting. I liked to get my homework done and turn it in. I always listened to what the teacher said and then quickly got my work done. I liked to be the first one done and remember the thrill I felt turning in pages of math before anyone else. Not only could I be first, but then I could sit in my desk and read my book while everyone else continued to toil away. So, it's a little hard for me to understand MJ sometimes. I just don't get why you wouldn't walk into your classroom, hang up your coat, and turn your homework in, day in and day out. I like predictability and I like efficiency. I don't like to meander. I don't like to dawdle. And sometimes, I have a hard time when my kids do.

Last night, I saw MJ do something that amazed me though. She was working on a writing assignment for English class. She sat down, and soon had the beginning of an elaborate story about a leprechaun whose fate was to change the future with his friendship and bravery. The ease with which she constructed vivid images (I especially liked, "A silvery curtain of hair cascaded down her back") and the sophistication of her writing were surprising to me. I have a hard time with creative writing. I can't really think up stories to tell, and my kids have learned to ask their dad if they want an on-the-spot made up story. Whenever I try, they feel clunky, stilted, and predictable. So, I don't really try.

I really liked seeing a flipside to MJ's meandering and unorganized personality. It helped me understand her better and appreciate her more.

wintery blast

2011-02-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

This past week has been lovely. The temperature was up into the 30's and 40's--quite balmy around here. Our ice dam on the roof and all the ice that had built up on the side of the house melted. Our road into our neighborhood dried up completely for the first time since our December blizzard. It almost felt like spring was coming.

But, ha. That was just a trick of Old Man Winter. Today is another blizzard, with 12-18 inches of snow.

Nice joke.

Happy Valentines Day

2011-02-13T19:20:00.001-08:00

I like cute as much as the next person. But, I'm not artsy-creative, I don't have patience for working with kids on projects and I hate cleaning up their messes. Plus, I don't like cutesy.

That's why these are brilliant. So simple and so fun. We'll do these again next year too.
T's turned out perfectly. But, I couldn't get the Z-man to extend his arm straight at the right level with a fist, so his wasn't as good. Nonetheless, I'm pretty darn proud of our efforts this year. Too bad MJ's school party was on Friday. I didn't come up with this plan--or in other words decide to steal wholesale from another blog post--until Friday.

Night Out

2011-02-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, in what feels like a different galaxy, I was living in Provo , working on the last year of my master's program. After living for several years in the same place, I had recently moved. Because my roommates and I were all at least 25 years old, we weren't bound by the rule mandating that girls and boys couldn't live in the same section of an apartment building. So, we lived in a condo on a hall with three apartments of boys.

Across the hall were some guys that we liked to spend time with. I had started to develop a secret crush on one of them, which was just plain ridiculous because he had recently had a crush on my roommate and because he was quite a bit younger than me and because there was no way that he would ever reciprocate the feelings. But, we hung out.

In January of that year, this guy casually asked if I wanted to go see the Utah Symphony play a Rachmaninoff piano concerto, and I casually said yes. I don't remember all the details, but it seemed like he backed out because of a snow storm, allegedly bad enough to make driving to SLC too difficult. I didn't get a chance to talk to him about it--this was in the days before cell phones--but he left a note at my apartment. Then he spent the whole night in the computer lab, working on some kind of homework assignment. I was mad at him because I felt like he was treating me a little too casually. We were going to this concert, then he backed out rather thoughtlessly. That made me all the madder at myself that I was liking him. He wasn't treating me like a real date, he was treating me like a casual friend.

AJ has never lived that down, even though we've gone to several Rachmaninoff concerts since then. We get to go to another one tonight. A friend of ours plays french horn for the Minnesota Orchestra. He knows that AJ really loves the bombastic Russian composers who favor compositions that prominently feature the low brass. And so, when a Rachmaninoff and Shostikovitch program came up, he emailed to ask if we wanted tickets.

It's been a while since we've been out for date night. It's hard with little kids and lots going on. But, tonight we'll go to dinner, and then go listen to the amazing Rach 3. I'm really looking forward to it.

February in Minnesota

2011-02-09T13:31:00.001-08:00

It was -27 with the wind chill on the way to work, according to the radio.

A few months ago, I discovered a new to me band--Storyhill. I heard them on Prairie Home Companion. The band consists of two men, who started performing together in high school in Bozeman, Montana, and then later moved to Minnesota where they continued performing. They have a Simon and Garfunkel kind of sound, a folksy sound, with amazing harmonies.

One of their songs begins, "This year the winter will not break me."

That's been my mantra during this latest cold front. I have been doing pretty well. January seems like it should be a deep freeze, plus I was really busy with work. By February, though, I start to tire of the down coat and heavy scarf and gloves, the messy mudroom with dirty snow melting on the floor. I want a little more warmth. We are supposed to get up in the 30's over the next few days, and I mentioned it to AJ. I suggested that it might be the "end of winter", or at least the end of the bitter cold. He told me that it would probably get cold again and I got really mad at him. I need to maintain my perhaps delusional thought that the worst of winter is over.

I have no desire to stay here forever and I hope we can find a way to move in the next few years.

Accomplished

2010-12-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

All packages mailed. The final two went last night, guaranteed, for an arm and a leg, to be delivered on Christmas Eve.
Most of the Christmas cards sent. A grand accomplishment considering that we ordered them only 10 days ago and had no Christmas letter as of Sunday 6 pm.
Laundry.
All Christmas shopping. Thanks in large part to Amazon and their free trial period of Amazon Prime Shipping.
Groceries at Costco. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be and I was in and out in 1/2 hour.
Teacher gifts

Still left to do:

Trip to regular grocery store. I get to go to MJ's winter party this afternoon and so she and I will head to the store and get all we need for Christmas morning pecan sticky buns and quiche, the turkey brine, plus the new recipe I am trying for Christmas dessert.
Pick up the house tonight in preparation for my wonderful cleaning ladies tomorrow. Yippee! It just happened that they were scheduled to come two days before Christmas, which also just happens to be my birthday. I often pined for a Mother's Day or birthday gift where my whole house would be clean at once. Here, I have it!
Some present wrapping

And I won't mention things that didn't make the list at all this year. But, all in all, pretty good.

Conversation with a 2 1/2 Year Old

2010-11-14T18:13:00.000-08:00

Me: Oh, you're my little baby. You're always going to be my baby!

Z: I'm not a baby! I'm a boy.

Me: Ok, you're my little boy. You'll always be my little boy. But, you're growing up too fast! Pretty soon, you'll be going to kindergarten.

Z: And I'll read Harry Potter!

Thoughts on the first day of winter

2010-11-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

1. 6-10 inches?!? What the? They said a dusting. This is not a dusting.
2. Where's that boot? How can it already be missing?
3. Why didn't we clean out the garage earlier? And get the sand toys put away?
4. San Diego is sounding really nice about now.

I just read that snow is falling at a rate of 1 inch per hour in my town. My neighbor just called to ask for help with a stuck car. I guess I won't be driving to dance rehearsal today.

Thursday was Veteran's Day. I got the day off of work. It was a beautiful day, probably up to 55 degrees. I walked around our lake and was surprised that there were still a few leaves hanging on. I hate the feeling of walking off a cliff.

Sorrows and Joys

2010-10-14T10:49:00.001-07:00

Last week, one of my dearest friends, a brilliant, amazing, young, 33-year-old with no children had a hysterectomy. Every time I think or talk about it, a lump rises in my throat and tears well up in my eyes.

This week, my sister and her husband are meeting their newborn son, born last night, whom they are adopting. Our family couldn't be more happy for them.

The counter-position of these two events is dizzying.

First Day

2010-09-20T20:29:00.001-07:00

I love back to school time. I always wish I was starting school again. It's just about my favorite time of the year. Mr T just started kindergarten and he is spouting Spanish words and phrases already. He has been gleefully reading Captain Underpants books lately. One of the cartoon characters said, "We kick butt." He showed it to me and I told him it wasn't the nicest thing to say. He said, "I know. But it's really funny." Hmm. A boy after the manner of his father and uncle.

This is how Z looked on the first day of school. We went for a walk one night and were devoured by mosquitoes. His eye was just about swollen shut for a couple of days so we called him Quasimodo. He is struggling against the taunting of an older brother, who loves to call him a "weirdo" to which Z screams, "I'm NOT a weirdo." (Both boys can't pronounce their R's which makes it all the more entertaining.)

It's hard to believe MJ is in 4th grade already. She is seeming more and more grown up. We had "the talk" with her the first week of school. We had prepped her by telling her we were going out to dinner and had something really important to tell her. After our discussion, she kept saying, "this isn't what I expected at all!" She thought we would be discussing her sometimes strained relationship with T.

Wachet Auf

2010-09-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

I heard this achingly beautiful Bach chorale during the credits of a Mad Men episode. It was familiar, and once I heard it, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I tried picking out the melody last night on the piano and then downloaded the music tonight. My goal: to learn it and play it in church.

My new phone

2010-08-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

My two-year contract obligation with Verizon was up and so I had my "New Every Two" incentive where they give you a big discount on a phone to get you to sign up for another two years. We went to the Verizon store on Tuesday night and I walked out with this sweet baby.

AJ got to play with it while I was visiting teaching. The next day, he was showing me some things on it and then he said,

"I hope you realize what you have." Big pause, and then in a slightly anguished voice, "This would change my life!"

Ahh, my dear technie husband whose favorite activity is to read the Best Buy ad and think about the next gadget he wants to buy. He is not getting a new phone because he already has a perfectly usable, paid for by his office, Blackberry. I told him we could share.

I've already tried out the turn by turn navigation system (replaces GPS just like that) and the free Google Sky Map app. Just point the phone at an object in the night sky, and it will show you the star map and identify the constellation. We'll have a lot of fun with this on vacation at the beach next week.

The countdown is on!

2010-08-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

This week, I took the kids to Target and we left with a total of 75 separate items in our bags. I think it might be a record for us. It's back to school time and I handed both my school kids their lists and let them have at it. It took at least 1/2 hour, and that was standing just in the smallish school supply area.

MJ was skipping as we came in, she was so excited. "It's just like Christmas! It only comes once a year!"

I just wish I didn't have to sharpen all those pencils.

The Hand that First Held Mine

2010-07-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have gotten away from blogging about books. Between work and kids and house and time with AJ, most of my blogging time has gotten sapped away. I have been doing a fair amount of reading, though, and happily have been on a streak of good reads.

Anyway. I have been enjoying several books that fit in to the Women Unbound Challenge. The Hand that First Held Mine by Maggie O'Farrell wasn't one that I jumped into, thinking it would be a good fit for the challenge. I expected a nice summer novel, which is was, but there were some interesting descriptions of motherhood that made me think (again) about my experiences as a mother compared with how other women experience mothering.

In this novel, O'Farrell deftly weaves together two stories. The first centers on Lexie, a non-traditional woman who literally throws off the conventional life of her parents by leaving home to go make her fortune in post-war London. There she finds work, and also love, and finally she finds a calling as a journalist. She loves what she does, she is good at it, and she makes a life for herself. When she finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, she decides to raise her child on her own terms. She juggles work and the care of her son, and finds herself with a fierce love and connection to her son.

In the second story, set in contemporary London, Elina, an artist, has just given birth to a child. She has barely survived a traumatic birth and is struggling to recover physically at the same time she must care for a newborn. During this same period, Ted, her boyfriend and father of the child, is going through a painful process of remembering snatches of his childhood. He has always had a memory filled with gaps, but now he starts to remember images and voices. Through the course of the story, the mystery of his past unwinds and connects with the Lexie strand to a satisfying conclusion.

The theme that is the same between the stories is the powerful relationship between a mother and her young child. O'Farrell describes the powerful and physical love of both mothers, as well as the strong and almost unthinking intuition that drives them to care for and protect their children. "Elina is on her feet before she's even aware of moving" as she gets up to care for her baby. Ted is amazed at the way that Elina can calm the crying Jonah the way no one else, including him, can. "She has been unprepared for this fierce spring in her, this feeling that isn't covered by the word 'love', which is far too small for it, that sometimes she thinks she might faint with the urgency of her feeling for him, that sometimes she misses him desperately even when he is right there, that it's like a form of madness, of possession, that often she has to creep into the room when he has fallen asleep just to look at him, to check, to whisper to him."

Elina's experience with a newborn is mirrored by Lexie's:
When she leave the house on these mornings, she senses a thread that runs between her and her son, and as she walks away through the streets she is aware of it unspooling, bit by bit. By the end of the day, she feels utterly unravelled, almost mad with desire to be back with him, and she urges the Tube train to rattle faster through the tunnels, to speed over the rails, to get her back to her child as quickly as possible. It takes a while, once she's there with him, to wind herself back to rightness, to get the thread back to where it out to be--a length of no more than a couple of feet or so feels best, Lexie decides.

These descriptions of mothering do not overwhelm the story, and I found myself really liking the book, in spite of not being able to entirely identify with these feelings both mothers have. I don't doubt that women feel like this, but I never felt quite so strongly about my babies. Yes, there was infatuation. There were many moments of delight and awe in getting to know them and in being around them. But, I always felt replaceable (save for breast feeding) by AJ. He always could care for them at least as ably as I. And I felt that there was nothing special about my femaleness that gave me the mothering gene. Maybe that's overstating it, but that's my recollection. I always, since the time I was a young adult, have questioned my lack of intuition that is supposed to go hand in hand with the XX chromosome, and I certainly never felt any extra intuition with my children. If anything, the "intuition" that I thought I had turned out to be completely wrong.

Anyway, because I have always felt a bit at odds with traditional descriptions of what the mothering experience is like for women, I have wondered if one version is held up to the light to the exclusion of many women's experiences, or if many or even most women feel something like this.

Bronte Sisters Activate!

2010-07-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

another summer solstice

2010-06-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

I remember last summer and fall with a shudder. I was angry, impatient, and ready to explode at the slightest provocation. I carried around a feeling of sadness that felt heavy in my chest and it seemed like days would go by without any relief. I was depressed.

This spring and summer, I've been enjoying the extra light. A few times this week, as I sat in my bed reading after the house had grown still, I would occasionally glance out my large window to the west to see if any light was still visible. By yesterday, it had grown hot enough to turn on the air, but I cracked the window to listen to the sounds of summer outside. Last night, around 10, the final traces of light were disappearing.

I was remembering another dark summer solstice when I was struggling with the kids. It was neither an unusual event nor reaction, but it's already two years gone. From even further back, right after we moved to Minnesota, I have another joyful summer memory that I hope someday to get to "see" again--I imagine our own heavenly personal viewing rooms where we can watch moments from our lives.

I feel so peaceful, so calm right now. In spite of all the things that I could improve, in spite of the craziness. I know it won't last, but for now, I am basking.

The solace of books

2010-05-10T19:46:00.003-07:00

Z-Man has been a little sick. The other day, he completely fell apart and AJ whisked off to his bed for an immediate nap. He was sobbing, disconsolate, in his bed. A few minutes later I went in to try to calm him down. His face was soaked with tears, snot, and a whole lot of sweat thrown in there too. I hugged him and he immediately asked me for his froggy blanket that he had thrown out of his bed in the hot blush of first anger, which had quickly melted into remorse. I asked him if there was anything else he wanted, to which he replied, "I want a book."

My heart melted. Yes, little boy, books can bring you comfort.

I gave him three (though I couldn't find the hippo book he requested) and he snuggled up with them and went to sleep.

Singing of Mother

2010-05-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, my kids sang along with the primary in praise of mothers. Since I sit in primary during singing time, I've been listening to these songs for a while now. Just for kicks, I decided to look up all the songs about mothers in the music book to see how mothers are described.

Here you go--attributes of mother:

Gentle
Tender
Kind
Happy
Lovely
Full of cheer
Bright

And don't forget True. I am convinced, though, the only reason mothers are labeled "true" is that lyricists needed something to rhyme with "I love you."

I loved the singing.

What We're Reading This Week

2010-05-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

The Z-Man is really starting to talk. He still mimics a lot, but also has a lot to say on his own. One of my favorite things to hear him say is "I go libree! I go libree!" And whenever we pull into the parking lot of the library, he cheers, "Lay! Lay!" (His Y's sound like L's.)

For all of my parental weaknesses and issues, I feel good about the way that my kids are embracing books and reading. Our house is overflowing with books. I recently got a new bookshelf for my bedroom mainly because the kid books were taking over a corner of the room. On the shelves sit two boxes with all the board books, plus another big box of library books and other picture books. We sit on my bed or in the reading chair in my room and read a lot. My kids know that if they ask me to read a book with them, I will almost always agree. This compares with the other things they might ask me to do which I am more likely to turn them down. In my opinion, there's nothing better than snuggling up with a child to read a book. And I'm really excited about the way T's reading is taking off.

Taking a page from the NPR book page, this is what we're reading this week.

Z-Man: He still loves Sesame Street books with Elmo and Zoe. He has pretty much mastered his colors save for blue, but still loves to name them. He is starting to be interested in ABC and counting books. He has also taken quite a shine to Mercy Watson books (see below), or at least to the pictures in Mercy Watson book.

T--This week, we discovered the Tiny Titans graphic novels. I don't really like them, but after we read some together, T sat and read on his own with this one. MJ and some kids from the neighborhood set up a library in our garage, and T "checked out" Fantastic Mr Fox yesterday. He read on his own for quite a while today, proudly stating that he got to page 65 as he was going to bed. I could hear him laughing as he was reading. One of our favorites to read together is Mercy Watson about a pig with a single minded devotion to butter who is being raised like a child by Mr and Mrs Watson. T's favorite character is the cowboy thief and then later reformed criminal Leroy Ninker. We are all excited to go hear the author, Kate DeCamillo, speak and get her autograph next month.

MJ--MJ is in 3rd grade, attending school with 5th and 6th graders. Her school was overflowing, and so this year, they moved the 3rd and 4th grade to the intermediate school. The library there is full of materials that are suited for slightly older kids. She is a good reader, but it really bugs me when she comes home with book after crappy book of Sweet Valley Twins , including stories about first kisses, boyfriends, and getting your period. These are the younger sister of Sweet Valley High books, of which, I admit, I read a few. I am trying to get her to check out other books from her school library and am happy that that the public library doesn't have these books. In addition to Sweet Valley, she is working on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. She also is reading Katie Kazoo and The Magician's Elephant (also to be autographed by Ms DeCamillo).

AJ is probably the least prolific reader in the family in terms of books read, but I am happy that he has plodded through a couple of books in the past couple of months. He is currently working on Michael Chabon's Manhood for Amateurs and earlier in the year read and loved Michael Pollen's Omnivore's Dilemma.

As for me. I have read a lot of mediocre books in the last little while, but things took a turn for the better with Strength in What Remains--the story of a Burundi refugee who leaves during the 1994 genocide and later ends up at Columbia and Dartmouth universities to study medicine--and The Guersey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I read this for book group. It was pretty good, a nice story, a little on the fluffy feel-good side. But the title is terrible. I can never say it properly. And I just started listening to Game Change, which looks to be a really interesting and fun look at the craziness of the 2008 election.

Springtime

2010-05-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

This spring has been perfect. It finally felt like a "real" spring to me. Not that I've adapted to the traditionally late Minnesota spring, but that spring came early this year. By March, it was warming up and the snow disappeared. Though there were no flowers yet, Easter weekend was a balmy 65. And most importantly, for my peace of mind, there were no spring fake-outs: one week 65 and the next a blizzard or sub-zero temperatures. Now, the lilacs are in glorious bloom, and everywhere I look, there is a wall of green.

I love the feeling of spring: the miracle of a world changed, the constant change in scenery out my back door. The renewal and the thrumming of life.

I need a good poem about spring to capture what I can't express. Anyone have suggestions?

Montaigne on Reading

2010-03-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

The commerce of book goes side by side with me in my whole course, and everywhere is assisting to me; it comforts me in my age and solitude; it eases me of a troublesome weight of idleness, and it delivers me at all hours from company I dislike; and it blunts the points of griefs if there are not extreme, and have got an entire possession of my soul. To divert myself from a troublesome fancy 'tis but to run to my books; they presently fix me to them, and drive the other out of my thoughts; they always receive me with the same kindness.

Wow, I think I need to commit that to memory!

New Normal

2010-03-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

(I'm shamelessly stealing the title from Jen.)

It's been two weeks since I started working, and we are settling into a routine. Things have been more crazy than they will be in the future (I hope) because AJ is traveling a lot right now, we have several home projects at various stages of completion, and we had family in town for a long weekend. I am hoping that after this next week, we will be at a new normal.

I love my new job, the kids are doing great, the commute has been ok, and all in all, it feels like something we can manage. Yippee! I've been reflecting on the path that got me here, and I feel blessed and grateful. This is a good place for us.

Things that I'm not doing as much of as before:

Sleeping
Reading (sniff, sniff)
Wasting time on the computer
Exercising

And of course, the obvious, I'm not spending as much time with my kids, but, also, very happily, I'm not yelling at my kids as much.

It has been a very good two weeks.

Baby Z--Not a Baby Anymore

2010-03-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

We had a birthday last weekend, and our baby is now an official toddler. The Z-Man. He is throwing tantrums left and right and demanding to do everything on his own. But, he is still so sweet, so cuddly, and will still sit and read books with me--our
favorite activity.

The jack in the box was a big hit.

First day...

2010-02-23T18:46:00.001-08:00

Was yesterday. It went great. So did today. I love my new job. I love my boss. The kids are doing great. AJ is doing drop offs and I am going early enough so that I can pick up at a good hour and have dinner ready by the time AJ gets home. At least, so far. We'll see how it goes when he's out of town later this week.

As for orientation. I got a 6-page document yesterday with all the acronyms that our group uses. Yippee!

The current bane of my existence

2010-02-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

AJ took the boys for a long weekend trip to Denver and they had a great time. One of the highlights for T was going to a Nuggets game with his dad, uncle, and papa. Besides the cotton candy, mascot half-time party, and just hanging with the boys, he was thrilled to come home with his own cd that Uncle E snagged for him at halftime.

The cd? It is the original motion picture soundtrack from Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

As soon as I heard the news, I screamed. Because I knew exactly what would happen. The only place we listen to actual cds anymore is in the van. So, I envisioned non-stop listening to the Chipmunks every time we set foot in the car.

And thus it is.

Even the Z-Man is constantly requesting them by yelling "kip-munks!" over and over until I give in.

The bad news is that I've misplaced my iPod so I can't even block it out by listening to something else.

For a taste of my torture, check this out. It turns out T's favorite is Beyonce's Single Ladies.

Half the Sky

2010-02-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

Kristof and WuDunn travel through Asia and Africa, meeting women, listening to their stories, watching them deal with terrible plights, and occasionally seeing resilience and hope shine through their tragedy. By interspersing the personal stories of these women with statistics, they have written Half the Sky, a compelling book that urges the reader to consider the high costs of continued discrimination, neglect, and abuse to women worldwide. Their intent is to move their audience beyond their comfortable armchair, to a world almost unknown in a Western country, to see and understand, and then to act--to do something to make the world a better place for women worldwide.

They cover a range of topics, including forced prostitution, honor killings, the prevalence of maternal mortality (the image of a midwife jumping on the belly of a laboring women still haunts me), and the promise of education and microlending to poor women and the difficulty at times in accessing them.

One interesting issue they bring up is the way that traditions oppressive to girls are maintained by women themselves--for example, genital mutilation. It is the mothers that force their daughters through this ritual in order to protect them from promescuity and preserve the family name. Zoya, another women, whose smile shines out from the pages of the book, claims that husband beating is perfectly legitimate when "the wife in not taking care of her husband or is not obedient." She is one that has left her husband and her in-laws--she is one that has worked to liberate herself from a terrible situation, but still she cannot fathom that a husband does not have the right to beat his wife when she will not obey.

Kristof and WuDunn state

Women themselves absorb and transmit misogynistic values, just as men do. This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women, but a messier realm of oppressive social customs adhered to by men and women alike.

As documented elsewhere, I saw again the reduction of women to their reproductive function, resulting in the control of parents and husbands over their daughters and wives: the hymen checks before marriage, the honor induced suicides by a woman after she was raped, the raping of women from opposing tribes during war as a way to humiliate and intimidate the men.

Many of their stories of hope that Kristof and WuDunn share come from local women who have successfully overcome a difficult situation, and have now risen to help other girls and women--including starting microlending programs, finding ways to keep girls in school, helping girls start new lives after escaping from forced prostitution, and helping women to have save and healthy pregnancies and deliveries. Kristof and WuDunn believe that unleashing girls and women from the obstacles and traditions that hold them back is not only a moral necessity, but an economic one as well that will benefit families, towns, countries, and even the global economy.

I am motivated to talk with my kids more about the kinds of issues that women face throughout the world. I am also going to sit down with MJ and open a Kiva account with her (it's been on my list of good intentions for a long time now) and let her pick a women she would like to loan money to. And I'm going to comb through the resources on their website and find something to personally commit to.

Changing Together

2010-01-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, in what almost seems like another galaxy, I was single. But, I was newly engaged and had just relocated to New Jersey where I would be starting grad school a couple of months later. AJ was also living in Jersey, about an hour from me, for a summer internship.

One Saturday, we drove to the Hill Cumorah pageant with a bunch of single adults. On the way, we stopped at the Corning Museum of Glass to have a look around. AJ and I had had lots of impassioned discussions about what our future life would be like. We had talked a lot about gender and gender roles and he knew I had some issues. In fact, those discussions started long before we were engaged and dating.

I don't remember much about what led up to another discussion of gender in the museum, but I do remember this from AJ: "Just promise me that we will never put our kids in full time day care."

I hemmed and hawed because who knew what our future held? But, I think I eventually said ok.

Now, all these years later, I am on the verge of starting a full time job. It's not exactly the scenario I would have chosen, but all in all, I am excited and invigorated by the prospects. And not only that, but AJ is 100% behind the decision as well.

We've been through lots of different things, but less than a lot of other people. No major illnesses, no major financial problems, no more craziness than an average family. Compared to then, we are probably more cynical about some things, but still hold out hope for other things, maybe foolishly. We have three kids that quarrel and an often untidy house in the suburbs. You know. Just a pretty normal life.

Through both the mundane and life altering changes, I am grateful that we have been able to evolve as a couple and a family. I am particularly grateful for AJ and for his ability and willingness to envision and enact a different life than he anticipated.

Best of 2009

2010-01-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a good job chronicling and reviewing books here like I used to. I want to try to go back to my roots and do more of that, but for now, here are my favorite reads of 2009.

Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. This was my first Stegner. It's the memorable and gripping and searing story of two couples who met in Madison and then remained close friends over many years. Stegner does an amazing job portraying the four characters. And Charity still haunts me. This would be great for a book group.

All God's Creatures Have a Place in the Choir by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Emma Lou Thayne. I read this one in the spring, right around the time I went to a retreat and met Claudia Bushman, a colleague of Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. That was probably the high point of my year. I love LTU--she is a hero of mine. This is a book of personal essays about being female and Mormon, about friendship, sisterhood, and community, about motherhood and writing. Like any collection of essays, there were some that were more personally meaningful to me, but this is such a great compilation of Emma Lou Thayne's and Laurel Thatcher Ulrich's writing, and bubbles over with the richness of their lives and their thoughtful insights. In its totality, their book celebrates women's gifts, not as anything generically applied to all with XX chromosomes, but individual woman's gifts and contributions, unique and precious, and ultimately beneficial to the community at large, no matter the shape of their talents.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. When I heard the premise of this book, I was skeptical. It sounded like it would be a feminist screed cloaked in a badly fitting story. But, Atwood is an amazing storyteller and she develops the dytopian world that the handmaid precariously navigates. As a member of a society that has almost lost its ability to reproduce due to a terrible environmental disaster, the few women who can still bear children become very important to the theocratic state. These are the handmaids--named after the women in the Old Testament who stepped in to bear children for the patriarchs when their wives were infertile. Atwood utilizes a narrative device that tells a portion of the handmaid's story through her own diary that has been discovered many years hence. Her current name is Offred because she now belongs to a powerful man named Fred. I also read Oryx and Crake this year, and enjoyed it as well, though it spoke more to environmental devastation than to issues around gender.

My Life in France by Julia Child. I loved the film Julie and Julia and saw it with a good friend this summer. I was moved by the story of Julia Child and the way she was able to define and create a life for herself. So, I picked up her memoir and Child's wit, pragmatism, and personality, her sense of humor and her embrace of life shine through. She has such a descriptive way with words and it was a pure pleasure to read. The best of her book is the first half when she and her husband Paul are living in Paris and when she discovers her passion for cooking. I love that she was a bit older (late 30's) when she discovers France and its food, but that when she does, she embraces it so heartily and fully that it powerfully shapes the rest of her life.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. This slim volume is a gem--an exquisitely, beautifully written memoir of a stillbirth. Elizabeth McCracken and her kind, earnest English husband are living in the countryside of France, both working on writing. She is radiantly pregnant, the adorable baby shoes have been purchased, and they have created a vision of their future life with their baby boy nicknamed Pudding. From the very beginning, McCracken lets us in on what will happen. Both her stillborn son, and the living, healthy child that will be born almost exactly a year later. But, the unraveling. Oh, the tragic and painful unraveling. I read this one twice because it was so beautifully written.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. What do I say about this one? I loved the story and the creativity of it. I loved Katniss and I loved Rue. I thought Collins did a great job making the characters real in this book (and was disappointed with Catching Fire--I didn't think it was the same power as Hunger Games).

When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins. I went to hear Collins speak on her book tour. It was at a dark time of my year--I was so depressed and felt so heavy in such a physical way. I loved hearing her speak and felt myself spark at her ideas and her painstaking research. She has written a great overview of all the things that have changed for women in the US since 1960. Collins is a journalist, and this book is very readable, packed full of stories of women, based mainly on interviews. She covers both the history-making events (Betty Friedan and The Feminine Mystique, the founding of NOW, the ERA, etc), as well as the more mundane (clothing, day to day life).

The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I don't care if the critics turn their nose up at this book, I loved it. Stockett's characters are so vibrant, so real. I felt like I knew every single one of them. What a topic--the revolutionary action of recording black women's voices and stories. I loved how Stockett portrayed the diversity of characters across both the black and white women. It felt authentic. There was the villainous and bigoted Hilly, yes, but there was also the conflicted, self-centered, and bullied Elizabeth, depressed Lou Anne who credited her maid with helping her get out of bed every day, and of course, Skeeter, one of the heros of the book. And then Aibileen, the other hero--I think she was my favorite character. I loved the way she took care of Elizabeth's daughter, Mae Mobley, and countered the effects of her mother's negligence. And Minny--the sassy maid who can cook like anything, taking care of the trampy Celia. Really wonderful.

Here's to many wonderful reads in 2010!

Lost in Translation Update

2010-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Back in January, I decided I would read 6 books translated from other languages this year.

Here's how it went.

I started out the year reading Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke, translated by Anthea Bell. After loving both Inkspell and Inkheart, this was a big disappointment. It was slow, it wasn't captivating, and it was way too long. A bad way to start.

Then, in about May, I read Ghosts by Cesar Aira, translated by Chris Andrews. Here's what Publisher's Weekly had to say about it:

Aira, an unusual Argentinean author (How I Became a Nun), writes a compelling novel about a migrant Chilean family living in an apartment house under construction in Buenos Aires. New Year's Eve finds the hard-drinking Chilean night watchman, Raúl Vinas, hosting a party with his wife, Elisa, their four small children and Elisa's pensive 15-year-old daughter, Patri. Moreover, ghosts reside in the house: naked, dust-covered floating men, mostly unseen except by Elisa and Patri. The novel engineers a clever layering of metaphorical details about the building, but gradually focuses on Elisa's preparations for the party and her conversations with her daughter about finding a real man to marry. Prodded perhaps by her isolation within the family, Patri accepts the ghosts' invitation to a midnight feast, at her life's peril. Aira takes off on fanciful sociological analogies that seem absurd in the mouths of these simple folk, so that in the end the novel functions as an allegorical, albeit touching, comment on his characters' materialism and class.

Yes, it was curious. Too much for my taste. I don't know if this falls in the magical realism genre. Or if it was just too literary for me. But, I didn't really like it.

With two strikes against me, I didn't jump into any other works in translation until the end of the year. Then, with a lingering deadline, I thought maybe I could still make it work.

I read the highly touted Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery, translated by Alison Anderson, which seems to be something a lot of book bloggers have read and many have loved. I almost gave up on it several times, because the first 100 pages were soooo slow and way too much philosophizing. If I had had anything else to read at the gym one day, I wouldn't have finished it. As it was, it turned out to be pretty good.

Here's what I said on GoodReads about it.

In part 2, it finally started picking up and engaging me. It's the story of Renee, a woman in Paris who is a concierge to a building full of rich and elitist tenants, who are also intellectually barren and incurious. She spends her free time reading Marx and studying phenomenology with her Tolstoy named cat as only companion, hiding her mind in an attempt to not step outside of prescribed class barriers.

When she meets Mr Ozu, a new resident (the first new resident in the building in 20 years! What kind of stifling and rigid kind of place is this?), she finds a like minded friend. The section where they identify the true nature of each other is charming--Renee underhandedly quotes Anna Karenina, but not without Mr Ozu's recognition and then reciprocation. Though she enjoys conversation and meals with him, finally able to reveal her true self to another, she continues to struggle internally to truly accept a friendship with someone from such a different background.

This is also the story of a precocious and intelligent 12 year old Paloma, daughter of some tenants, who is unhappy, not able to share her true self with her family. She builds a friendship with both Mr Ozu and Renee and is able to find hope and goodness that has previously eluded her. Both she and Renee pour out their thoughts in diary form, which is how the entirety of the book is written.

As for the title, which has been so alluring to me: "Madame Michel (Renee) has the elegance of the hedgehog: on the outside, she's covered in quills, a real fortress, but my gut feeling is that on the inside, she has the same simple refinement as the hedgehog: a deceptively indolent little creature, fiercely solitary--and terribly elegant."

Then, I read Here's to You Jesusa by Elena Poniatowska, translated by Deanna Heikkinen. It started out strong, but I ended up really disliking it. Another disappointment

From my GoodReads:

Here's To You, Jesusa! chronicles the life of Jesusa, a tough, argumentative, spirited, and pragmatic Mexican women who was a young adult during the Revolution. The book is in her voice, and she goes from one ordeal to the other, always managing to come out on top, no matter how challenging. She is very poor and doesn't settle down anywhere for long, so the book skips around quite a bit. This made it hard to read-- it didn't hold together very well for me, and I skimmed through some of it, and eventually stopped reading with 70 pages left.

I understand that Poniatowska was trying to capture an authentic poor Mexican woman's voice, but I would have like a bit more self examination into how all these events shaped the woman Jesusa was. (For example, the death of her mother when she was young, her father inability to stay in one place for long, an abusive step-mother.) It's all descriptive, but not much more.

The book starts out with a forward by the middle class woman who supposedly finds Jesusa somehow and then spends years interviewing her and learning her story, and who then writes a book about her life. I loved this part and would have liked to see more interplay between the "author" voice and Jesusa.

So, with completing four books, I gave up. I have a few more on my to-read list for next year, so I'm not giving up altogether, but I guess I didn't too well with the selection. That, or maybe I'm just an unsophisticated American through and through and can't really appreciate translated works.

Christmas

2009-12-26T13:28:00.001-08:00

Z in his new wagon, with the fun toy from Grandma.
When it was time for his nap, he kept shouting, "I pay! I pay!"
and cried himself to sleep.

Fun marker keeper, handmade by Aunt Em

How to make paper airplanes. We hoped to combat the lure of the Wii, but so far, that siren song has been awfully strong.

Stuff White People Like--a big hit

A big Christmas snowfall, plus mild temperatures, made it the perfect weather for the creation of snow creatures

Christmas foods

2009-12-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve Glazed Chocolate Layer Cake

Christmas Morning Breakfast
Pecan Sticky Buns--A traditional favorite from AJ's family
Mushroom Quiche
Clementines
Plus, don't forget the Christmas crackers

Christmas Dinner
Green Beans with Pinenuts
Sliced Potatoes with Thyme and Scallops
Fresh Greens
Rolls
The ham, though good, wasn't quite as pretty as the rest of the food.

And because I thought it turned out pretty, a closeup of the potatoes

A pretty much perfect day

2009-12-24T05:26:00.002-08:00

As I see it, there are a lot of disadvantages to having a birthday during the winter solstice. It's just too close to Christmas and the celebration always has a red and green patina. For example, birthday present are sometimes wrapped up in Christmas paper. No one want to eat cake because they are sweeted out on homemade caramels and pistachio bark. And everyone is more excited about upcoming Christmas and the last few things that need to be done to properly celebrate a birthday.

Plus, there's so little light, and it's cold. You can't do much outside. I would much rather have a birthday during the summer solstice.

But, it is easy to find a babysitter on the 23rd. And for someone who prefers a quiet day alone to a big birthday lunch, it works out pretty well.

This was my day:

I get out of bed at 7:30, waking when the boys do, and then head to the gym without the kids since AJ didn't have to be to work until 9. After I get home, I shower and ready while MJ is still asleep--MJ+T seems to be trouble 75% of the time. At 10:30, I pick up the babysitter, a sweet girl from the ward who lives nearby. She is young enough that babysitting is fun for her and she still has a babysitting bag loaded with activities.

Then, I'm off. My first stop? I have to drop off AJ's laptop that he forgot, but it's pretty quiet at his office so he actually has some time to chat. Next, I head to my favorite part of the city where there are lots of interesting shops and restaurants. I find parking easily and go to browse around a great used indie bookstore. Because my to-be-read pile at home is huge, I mostly just look around, but end up leaving with a cookbook I've been wanting to try. We're going to have their green beans with pinenuts for Christmas dinner. I stop by the nice grocery store on the corner where I've parked to pick up some good bread. The baguettes in the market near our house are too fluffy and soft.
Then, to lunch at an amazing cafe and bakery where I relax and read while I eat my lunch of a chipotle goat cheese quesadilla and diet coke, with a ginger cookie for dessert. When you order, instead of getting the number on a stick that most places use to find you when your meal is ready, this place have made collages of interesting things. Last time I ate there, I got Satie, which is fine, but no personal favorite of mine, but yesterday, I am thrilled to get Ira Glass to wave down my food for me. I am reading an engrossing book, so I just linger over lunch for a while.

I stop by an interesting shop to browse around and walk out with two small globes that I will hang from the ceiling in my book corner. And then I stop by the cheese store to buy some goat cheese topped with dried fruit that we will bring to our Christmas Eve dinner, provided that the blizzard warnings don't spoil our plans.

Then, it was back to my town to stop by the grocery store for all the food we need for the rest of the week. It was crowded and I was grateful several times over to not have the kiddos with me. Before heading home, I picked up the latest Harry Potter movie from Redbox because we never saw it this summer.

The babysitter refuses payment, saying it is a birthday gift, and I suspect that it is her mother's idea, which she confirms, but still refuses to let me pay her.

AJ is soon home and we open presents, which include books! and my two favorite movies of the year.

And then, we all go to dinner at Punch, serving wood fired Italian style pizza. Yum! My favorite resturant in our town. An added bonus is that an 800 degree oven cooks pizza very quickly, before the kids get restless.

We drive home in the snow, looking at all the lights. Counting the houses with lights keeps the kids happy, so there is no squabbling from the back seat.

After AJ gets the kids into bed and we pick up around the house, we pull out the sofa bed and settle down to watch Harry battle against the evil powers of the universe and try to deal with teenage angst.

A very lovely day indeed.

This is what won't be in your mailbox

2009-12-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

For some reason, AJ said no to this version of our annual Christmas letter.

Humdrum.

Normal.

Commonplace.

Mundane.

Run-of-the-Mill.

Settled.

Typical.

Unexceptional.

That's our year. No one is doing much of anything new.

MJ--still in Spanish immersion school, now in 3rd grade. The only family event of note--her baptism in November.

T--still in preschool. Curses to September birthdays.

Z--coming up on 2 and is starting to talk.

AJ and Belle--approaching middle age with trepidation and some resentment.

Just more of the same.

Laughing, quarrelling. Working, playing.

Reading, and always more messes.

Eating, sleeping and praying.

Please, just don't call us

Conventional.

So, he got to be in charge of the letter this year.

Best news

2009-12-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

I arrived to church a little off. After AJ had to leave earlier than expected, and baby Z was inconsolably cranky because daddy left, and then when T and baby Z were taking their bath (didn't have time last night because of the ward Christmas party), Z dumped bucket after bucket of water on the floor and I couldn't find his shirt, I fell apart. Not entirely, but enough to come to church frazzled.

But, right before I started playing prelude music, a dear friend gave me the wonderful news that after going through years of infertility and trying to adopt, they had a baby. At first I misunderstood. "When are you going to be able to get him?" No, they already had a baby. They had been laying low in case the birth mother were to change her mind. Then I sat down and tried to blink away the tears so I could play Away in a Manger. Finding out totally changed my mood and really made my day.

What a beautiful Christmas blessing. I am so happy for them and can't wait to meet him.

Here it comes, ready or not

2009-12-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

Oh the butterflies. The nervous butterflies!

I bought a suit yesterday.

2009-12-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

It's my first ever pant suit. When I tried it on at home with the blouse that my wardrobe consultant picked out, MJ said I looked different and T said I looked like a man. Today T and baby Z helped me pick some comfortable black heels.

Now if I can just wow and charm my way through a job interview tomorrow.

Halfway to 70

2009-11-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my beloved's bday.

We celebrated by:

Going to church from 10-12. Thank you, stake conference!

Playing Ticket to Ride while baby Z took a nap.

Sharing dinner with dear friends, which included honest and invigorating conversation.

Eating German Chocolate Inside Out Cake. Yum! Rich. Divine.

Opening presents. The best, by far, was T's present to his dad. He picked out some awesome fabric and together, we made pajama pants. He was so proud. He marched through the fabric store, telling anyone who would listen, "I'm making pajama pants for my dad for his birthday!" And he was thrilled that he dad would never be able to quietly sneak by him in the night. Those pants are exciting!

Women Unbound, A Preliminary Reading List

2009-11-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

The guidelines for this challenge are simple: select and read any nonfiction and fiction books related to the rather broad topic of ‘women’s studies.’ The dates for the challenge are Nov 2009 to Nov 2010.

I'm going for the Suffragette level. That makes me think of my favorite song from Mary Poppins: "Our daughter's daughters will adore us, and they'll sing in grateful chorus, Well done! Well done! Well done Sister Suffragette!" Suffragette also brings to mind Elizabeth Cady Stanton, one of my feminist heroes. To become a Suffragette myself, I need to read 8 books that fall in the women's studies category. Fun, fun!

Here are my initial ideas.

Non-Fiction
A Midwife's Tale: The of Martha Ballard, Based on Her Diary, 1785-1812
by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich: Ulrich, a historian, uses the personal diaries of Martha Ballard to draw conclusions on larger themes of women's status and issues in the early days of the US. Ulrich's Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History is one of my all time favorite books and Ulrich herself is one of my feminist heroes.

The Book of the City of Ladies
by Christine de Pizan: This is one of the earliest feminist texts and in it, de Pizan confronts 14th century misogyny head on. By constructing an allegorical city of ladies (I love this idea), she showcases the strengths of all sorts of different women--saints, warriors, scholars, artists, and prophetesses.

The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
by Sue Monk Kidd: This is a memoir where Kidd details her search for the divine feminine.

Maria Mitchell and the Sexing of Science: An Astronomer Among the American Romantics
by Renee Bergland: Mitchell was an astronomer and intellectual in 19th century New England. This quotations of hers is fabulous: “The woman who has peculiar gifts has a definite line marked out for her, and the call from God to do his work in the field of scientific investigation may be as imperative as that which calls the missionary into the moral field or the mother into the family . . . The question whether women have the capacity for original investigation in science is simply idle until equal opportunity is given them."

The Hemingses of Monticello
by Annette Gordon-Reed: I've heard a lot about this one since it won the National Book Award in 2008. Here, Gordon-Reed resurrects Sally Hemings and her children with Thomas Jefferson who have been systematically erased from history.

Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity for Women Worldwide
by Nicolas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn: This is a brand new book written by Kristof, of the Op-Ed page from the NYT and his wife, WuDunn, also a journalist. Here, they argue for investment into the education and autonomy of women throughout the developing world. This looks to be a great read.

When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present
by Gail Collins: Also a brand new book, also by a Op-Ed columnist from the NYT. Collins focuses on the domestic situation of women over the past 50 years and how it has changed. I have been looking for an account of the women's movement. I am also hoping for an answer to the question: "Was there really as much sexism in the 1960's as they show on Mad Men?"

Good Girls, Bad Girls: The Enduring Lessons of Twelve Women of the Old Testament by T.J. Wray: I found this at a garage sale this summer, a pristine hardback for $1. Gotta love that! In this book, Wray writes about 12 women from the Old Testament, presenting them in historical context, providing a more nuanced view than the traditional Angel-Whore divide, and drawing lessons for the contemporary reader.

Fiction

Mrs Dalloway
by Virginia Woolf: A classic. I haven't read much Woolf and thought this would be a good place to start.

Vindication
by Frances Sherwood: A fictionalization of the life of Mary Wollstonecraft, another early feminist who wrote A Vindication on the Rights of Women in 1792 to lay out her case for female independence. And while I'm at it, how about I read Wollstonecraft herself? Maybe, maybe.

The Yellow Wallpaper
by Charlotte Perkins Gilman: Gilman was a leading feminist intellectual of the early 20th century, and after she suffered a severe bout of PPD, she wrote this about a woman who feels the yellow wallpaper of her room start to close in on her.

Something by Margaret Atwood--I loved The Handmaid's Tale, so I will be searching for another of her feminist novels.

Women Unbound

2009-11-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

Women Unbound. A reading challenge. Sign me up!

A meme to start.

1. What does feminism mean to you?

A feminist for me is simply someone who supports equal rights and opportunities for women. There are many strains of feminism, but I think this definition is what it boils down to for me. A friend of mine believes that activism is a necessary part of feminism, and while that may be true on a movement-wide level, I don't think that those who are feminists must also be activists.

2. Do you consider yourself a feminist? Why or why not?

Yes! My willingness to look at the world around me through a gendered lens is a key to why I self-identify as a feminist (And it's also, to my chagrin, often my inability! to not see gender everywhere). I also like to be a feminist in different communities where many consider feminists to be evil, ill-guided, or just plain angry and bitchy. I am non-threatening. I love my husband. And I am Mormon. I can still be an advocate for women without falling into all the old saws about what feminists are like. I think that someone like me can help others who are put off by radical feminists (either known or only imagined) to think about issues around gender that are taken for granted.

I try not to be the embittered feminist that cannot talk about anything but gender, but it feels so good to completely unload with a like minded friend who I can trust completely.

3. What do you consider the biggest obstacle women face in the world today? Has that obstacle changed over time, or does it basically remain the same?

This is a hard question, because the issues that concern me personally as a women in middle class America are so different from the issues that are important for women in developing countries and in other situations different from me. So, instead of trying to be specific, I will just say that the main obstacle that women face world wide is to simply being able to fulfill their potentials as individuals and members of the human race without being handicapped by their sex. And, yes, this is the same challenge that has existed forever for women.

This is a generic answer, vague enough that perhaps it has very little meaning, but I hope to delve more deeply into different circumstances and experiences throughout the year.

Uninspired

2009-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

My words seem to be stuck lately. I've been wanting to write about a bunch of different things, but when I sit down to try to type, my thoughts come out sounding unnatural and stiff, so I delete and try again, only to eventually give up and leave the computer to do something else.

Calling all book suggestions...

2009-11-07T05:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, all you readers out there. Next month, my book group is going to be picking the books we read for 2010. Give me your ideas for interesting, well written books that would make for great discussion. I have a few ideas up my sleeve, but I want to see what you suggest.

Shudder Inducing Words

2009-10-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

Grovel: to lie or creep with the body prostrate in token of subservience or abasement; to abase oneself

Conventional a: according with, sanctioned by, or based on convention; b lacking originality or individuality, trite; c: ordinary, commonplace

Thinking about them puts my stomach in knots.

Gail Collins in Person

2009-10-15T19:48:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday, I was listening to our public radio station and heard that Gail Collins was coming to town and that Kerri Miller would be interviewing her in a live forum about her new book. I literally ran to the phone to get tickets.

#1 reason to go--The topic and the author: Collins is a NYTimes Op Ed columnist and has written several books, including America's Women, which I read a couple of years ago and really liked (a perfect birthday present from AJ). Her new book is about the women's movement and all that has happened since 1960--When Everything Changed.

#2 reason to go--Kerri Miller. She is the host of a two hour MPR program and is engaging and great to listen to. In all the different places we've lived, I've listened to lots of different local public radio hosts and she is one of the best. She beats Marty Moss-Coane, hands down. Her voice is so familiar, it was a bit surreal to see her as she was speaking.

#3 reason to go--I could leave the house and all domestic responsibilities to AJ. I needed to leave.

#4 reason to go--Gail Collins could sign her book. I'm not a big one for collecting autographs, and I thought I would just wait to get her book from the library, but she was so engaging, so interesting, so fun to listen to that I plunked down my $30.12 on the spot to buy the book from a local independent book seller that was on site, and then stood in line to chat with her and get her to sign my book. And darn it if I didn't forget my copy of America's Women.

Minnesota Fall

2009-10-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

After a warm September with lots of hot days, we are in the throes of cool weather. And fall in Minnesota means delicious apples. Last year, our apple tree produced virtually no fruit, but this year we pruned it and thinned out the blossoms, all to great results. The tree was overladen with apples, so much that one branch broke. We also have visited a nearby orchard and bought some Minnesota apples from the grocer.

Here is what we've eaten with apples this season:

apple cream pie, for book group in early September
apple crisp, one of our favorites, we've made it three times
apple cake
apple pancakes
curried apple soup
apples with greens, chives, and goat cheese
caramel apples
applesauce

Yum!

Good TV

2009-09-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

We are swamped with too many great tv options right now. Meaning we really need to decide which nights we will not turn the tube on or we would be watching all the time.

On dvd:

Battlestar Galactica. After hearing an expert in religion and the media discussing BSG in the same breath as one of our all time favorites, we started checking out disks from the library. I was a little leery because I'm not a big sci-fi fan, but it's great. We just started season 2.

Mad Men. Recommended by my sis. We've only watched a few episodes, but wow, did they really smoke that much?? A plus--West Wing's Elizabeth Moss stars.

Arrested Development. Old news for most people, but when AJ was in the hospital this summer, our friends brought over the first two seasons. He watched four hours straight and it's good for a lot of laughs.

Speaking of laughs, we are still watching season 2 of 30 Rock, also highly recommended by my sis. She's nice enough to let us borrow her copy, after it took us 4 months to watch season 1 and get it back to her.

On TV:

Glee. This one is all AJ. He loves it. And I am liking it more and more. We had to watch this segment a few times the night it aired, and then AJ showed it to his team at work. My favorite takes me back to my adolescence.

Dance, our family favorite, is back on for a fall season.

Not to mention Ken Burns and the national parks.

New Recipe

2009-09-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

This is amazing. We had it for dinner last night and I already gobbled up the leftovers. And this, with modifications. I had no paprika, let alone smoked Spanish paprika. I used ground turkey and no bacon. And I used the vinegars I already had in the cupboard. Thank you New York Times Food Section!

Smoky Pork Burgers With Fennel and Red Cabbage Slaw

Adapted from a Food52.com submission by Jennifer Hess

FOR BURGERS

2 tablespoons fennel seed

1/2 cup finely diced onion

3 small garlic cloves, minced

1/2 teaspoon kosher or sea salt

2 teaspoons smoked Spanish paprika

1 pound ground pork, preferably sirloin

1 cup minced bacon, (about 3 thick strips, slightly frozen before chopping)

4 soft burger rolls or sandwich buns

FOR SLAW

2 tablespoons sherry vinegar

1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

1/2 teaspoon kosher or sea salt

1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

1 cup shredded fennel bulb, plus chopped fronds

1 1/2 cup shredded red cabbage.

1. To cook burgers: Prepare a grill.

2. Gently toast fennel seeds in a dry skillet until aromatic.

3. In a large bowl, combine fennel seeds, onion, garlic, salt and smoked paprika.

4. Add pork and bacon. Toss gently until well mixed, without overworking meat.

5. Divide into four portions and shape into patties. Place on a plate or platter and chill for at least one hour.

6. Cook burgers for about 6 minutes on hot side of grill. After 3 minutes, flip and cook 3 more minutes, then move to cool part of grill for 3 more minutes. Burgers can also be fried in a pan over medium-high heat for about 3 minutes on each side. Let burgers rest for a few minutes, tented with foil, before serving.

7. To prepare slaw: Whisk vinegars, mustard and salt in a bowl until salt is dissolved. Add oil and whisk until emulsified.

8. Place fennel bulb and cabbage into bowl and toss to combine with dressing. Add fennel fronds and toss again just before serving.

9. Place burgers on toasted or lightly grilled buns and top each with a little slaw.

Yield: Four burgers.

State Fair

2009-09-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

Last week, AJ took the day off work and we went to the amazing Minnesota state fair. It was a perfect day--high of 75, a breeze, plus some cloud cover for part of the time. We didn't have much of a plan, save for "eat good food", plus a few rides on the kiddie midway, and we had a wonderful time wandering around, stopping in to whatever caught our fancy. The days leading up to this had been terrible. Terrible, I tell you. Some of my worst mothering moments ever. So, I was very grateful to have a very different kind of day, with AJ, to move me away from what had been happening.

Highlights include:

A Pirate Ride

Learning about agriculture, from seed to market

Cotton candy

Sweet Martha's cookies--divine!!

Celebrity sighting: Our newly minted senator

The Beautiful Place

2009-08-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Piazza Bellezza was originally conceived as just a fun spin on my birth name. I translated it very literally as Bellessa Plaza.

A while, though, after I started blogging, I told a friend the title of my blog and he said, "Oh, the beautiful place?"

I have thought about that on and off and really like the implications of that name. Lots of times, I feel like I am not in a situated place in my life--like I'm more in day-to-day mode and that I have coping strategies to make it through, but that I'm not in a place when I can really use my talents very effectively.

The Beautiful Place has come to represent a metaphysical state of mind for me--a place where I feel like I belong. Don't get me wrong--a lot of times, I feel very comfortable and content with what I'm doing. But, it doesn't often feel 100% settled.

Maybe it never will.

I am a little blue today. Maybe more on that later.

Other Franklin Highlights

2009-08-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

A bath in the blue tub, with the exact same tub toys I played with

Photographing the barn, built in 1915 by Cecil, with my sis

Seeing Rebecca and William's "town house", still standing and occupied

Searching for the foundation of Rebecca and William's
(and possibly Sarah's too) country house

Playing in the linens

The Work of Her Hands

2009-08-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

While on vacation, I had a few days to stop in Franklin with my kids and sister to visit my grandma. Her town and her house seem to be identical to the memories I have of many childhood visits. I wanted to see some of the items that Julia, my great grandmother, had spent her spare moments and evenings working on. Grandma pulled out pillowcases, baby bonnets, table linens, and quilts, embroidery, crochet, and needlepoint, and I wondered how many countless hours had been spent on such detail. According to Grandma, Julia was never empty-handed, but always had a project she was working on.

My favorite item was a lively patchwork quilt, made of the leftover scraps of worn out dresses and aprons. While Julia would probably have preferred to display the immaculate white quilt, flourished with large red roses and perfect, tiny hand stitches I loved the chaos of the patchwork colors, balanced and restrained by the perfectly symmetrical pieces. It felt full of life. I wish I knew the source of each piece of fabric.

We also found a patchwork quilt, pieced by Bertha, my grandpa's mother.

Misunderstood

2009-08-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

Perhaps using his intestinal state this week as a reference point, T has been referencing "Diarrhea Wimpy Kid" with glee. I think he was a little disappointed (and to be frank, I was too) when AJ corrected him, and explained what a diary was.

What kind of husband would do that??

2009-08-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

We are on vacation right now, visiting AJ's family in Denver. (I love Denver. I hope to someday reside here. I have the neighborhood all picked out.) Because of all sorts of work issues and other travelling that we are doing, we had a heck of a time deciding on dates and transportation.

Finally, we settled on driving. For the most part. Except it seemed that driving long long distances with a 17 month old could be very ugly.

So, AJ suggested that he drive from Minnesota to Denver with T and MJ and I fly with baby Z. I kept asking him if he was sure that he wanted to take the two of them (prone to sibling spats, and in a concentrated space like the car?? That could be hell). And if he felt comfortable driving all that way himself. He said it would be great. They would have a wonderful time. It would be so easy with just the two of them, so I said, "Sign me up!"

In addition to my enjoyment of a direct flight vs. spending parts of two days in the car driving through Iowa and Nebraska, one of the unexpected side benefits was that I got to clean the house after AJ and the kids drove out of town. Getting ready for vacation can be frantic and crazy and since we usually procrastinate, it's only that much worse. Usually, it's all I can do to turn off the AC and lock the doors. Just forget about leaving the house completely tidied. More so, it looks like a tornado has barrelled through the house, with clothes and empty bags and random stuff strewn everywhere.

After they left, I took baby Z and we went for a walk around the lake close to our house. They, I ran to the mall for our last few errands. And picked up some yummy sushi for my dinner. Then it was home to bathe Z and put him to bed. Next, dinner and some Jon Stewart for me. And next? I was excited to clean my house. I spent a long time Friday night getting the house together.

And now that I'm on vacation, the specter of a messy house isn't hanging over my head, casting shadows over down time that would only get bigger the closer we get to going home.

Secret Women's Day

2009-07-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

For a while now, all the organists have gotten to choose the congregational hymns. Since there was no topic given for yesterday's meeting, and since Pioneer Day is coming up, I decided to pay homage to two women who were influential in the early days of the church and influential in shaping the music that we sing. We sang three of Eliza R. Snow's poems set to song--Though Deepening Trials, Again We Meet Around the Board, and Awake! And Arise! (I love that one). We recently sang O My Father and her other two more familiar sacrament hymns, but it was fun to dig these ones up. I decided to bypass her In Our Lovely Deseret and The Time is Far Spent to include one hymn that Emma Hale Smith selected for the first compilation of hymns--God is Love.

I'm sure that no one in the congregation noticed any connection between the songs, but I did make my primary class figure out what I had done.

Another thing I realized this week

2009-07-12T18:24:00.001-07:00

AJ was talking about work. About meetings. About consultants coming in to analyze the company inefficiencies. About development budgets. And I realized that I have very little idea of what his days really are like. On the other hand, my days are completely known to him. It's about driving kids places, making meals, picking up, reading books with the kids. It's what he does when he is home.

My world felt completely subsumed in his. And I felt resentful about it.

For a brief shining moment...

2009-07-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was contacted by a liberal arts university in the area that was adding a section of an intro sociology class. I had emailed around my vita in the spring looking for adjunct teaching, and nothing had turned up initially. I was excited about the possibility--only one class to teach. It would be personally manageable and I could get some experience teaching and building my vita. I brainstormed a lot about what an intro class could look like. I googled intro syllabi. I was invigorated. I started daydreaming about what it would be like to be teaching classes in a university setting and imagining my life more concretely with work. I also had a great conversation with the department chair.

Then, it turned out that a member of the faculty there decided rather belatedly that he would take on an extra class. The department chair was obligated to go with the faculty member.

It wasn't wasted time. I hope that there will be other opportunities at this university. But, I do feel dejected. And somewhat aimless about my life right now. I wonder if things will ever be different and will ever feel settled for me. We have all these ideas about goals for our life. But, will anything really change?

Un Milagro

2009-06-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a house that is (almost) perfectly clean. My shower is sparkling. The microwave has no crusty food residue spattered on its ceiling. My garbage cans are washed out. The massive package of toilet paper has been unloaded and stacked neatly next to the towels in my linen closet. The windows are clean--no smeary fingerprints blotting out the sun.

Yes, a miracle has occurred. My house has never, ever, ever been this clean. Not at the same time. A room is cleaned up here and there, but by the time I make it to the next section of the house, the previously tidied room is no longer pristine. It's just the nature of kids and living in a house.

After my melt down a few weeks ago, a friend gave me the number of the women who have been helping her in her home for years. And not just that--she gave them my number and they called me. After the emotion and anger of the day faded, my resolve to hire someone dissipated as well. Shouldn't we be working together as a family to take care of our home? Shouldn't I be teaching my children the satisfaction of a job well done? And what about the money that I would spend to pay someone else to clean my home? Guilt, guilt, and guilt.

Well, they stopped by last week so I could meet them and they could take a look around. And when they said they could come by one time each month, I breathed a happy sigh. Perfect. Yes, perfect. I wasn't outsourcing all or even most of the cleaning to someone else. We would still be responsible for most of it.

But, to know that someone would do those chores that get postponed to infinity--for me, they are things like scrubbing the dried on food from the booster seat. Moving the furniture to vacuum underneath. Dusting the picture frames. Wiping off the fridge. Wow. That's just emotional money in the bank for me.

So, the ladies came by yesterday. They worked for several hours. My home looks amazing. We were out with friends last night, so the kitchen didn't get messy with dinner. We got home late and the kids went straight to bed, so no new messes. I told AJ how much I would love for him to remove the children from our house for one entire day so that I could stay home by myself basking in its order.

I know that it won't last, but, boy does it feel good right now.

I think I'll go clean our lunch mess off the counter. I want to draw out the pleasure a little longer.

First week of summer break

2009-06-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

MJ got out of school last Tuesday, so we have officially made it through a whole week.

Highlights:

First week of competition on So You Think You can Dance--a family favorite. AJ's brother asked him if he felt at all ashamed of his complete and utter love of the show, and he proudly said, "Not a bit."

Too bad that we couldn't all watch it together, though. Instead of going to Texas, AJ went to the hospital. He had an infection in his leg, source unknown. Symptoms included: high fever and shakes, a swollen and bright red foot, and angry streaking up the leg. The cure--three nights in the hospital with intravenous rounds of antibiotics. He came home on Saturday afternoon with a prescription for an oral antibiotic. He is still limping around, the foot is still red and swollen, but the infection is dissipating. Thank goodness for antibiotics. Happily, we were able to watch the results show on Thursday night from his hospital room since my neighbor was kind enough to take care of baby Z. 15 month-olds and hospitals don't mix together well, we found out.

We made a big list of everything we wanted to do this summer. The kids included the zoo and swimming. I included practice piano, reading time, and chores.

And to help make it through the summer, I checked out Siblings Without Rivalry, a book from the dreaded self-help category. I am going to try to give it a fair shake though.

I'm never going to be the best

2009-06-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

at "homemaking." No matter what Julie Beck said. I don't like the cleaning. I don't like the neverending chores, the way my kids make messes behind me. I don't like the way that the house is never all cleaned at once. I don't like finding legos, bobby pins, rice kernels, and paper scraps underfoot, and that no one will take responsibility for it, but ooh, I hate having to be the one to either pick it up myself or ask someone else to do it. I don't like my children's resistance to doing even the smallest chore of a mess that they made. I don't like the way that I am the only one who seems to care what the house looks like. I don't like being the taskmaster.

I am thinking about outsourcing some of the drudgery. It was a very bad day today.

The flower box

2009-05-26T13:15:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite addition from this weekend because it's pretty right now. We'll see how it weathers the summer. I imagine the petunias hanging thickly over the edges of the container.

Memorial weekend planting

2009-05-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

We have a lot of landscaping rocks in our yard. I don't like them. They are unsightly. Ugly weeds grow up in them. I wanted to get rid of them all, but it is hard work to shovel them up and discard them. So, I was very happy when AJ's dad suggested that we put some shrubs in the sections of our yard with rocks. Even though they are small now, I feel so much better about our yard. I can't wait to see them grow. AJ's is even happier because now that the pressure is off him to find a way to get rid of the rocks. In total, we planted 12 shrubs, one clematis plant at the base of our mailbox, loads of dark purple petunias in the window boxes, and several black eyed susans in the free standing flower boxes near the front door.

Window box petunias and three moonshadow euonymus shrubs, which will grow wide and not tall. They have pretty variegated leaves.

I hadn't realized that the trellis off our deck has legs in order to train vines up and around. When AJ's mom noticed, I was excited to try to grow a wall of green. We planted two honeysuckle plants.

AJ's mom also suggested a clematis at the base of the mailbox to grow up and around it.

Four new shrubs on the front corner of our lot. They don't look like much, but it is a vast improvement. The meadowlark forsythia on the left will get to be 10 feet tall by 10 feet wide. We also planted two goldflame spirea. and one bridal wreath spirea

We planted three sixteen candle clethra around the house too. They will bloom with long spiky white flowers.

other highlights from this week

2009-05-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Nana's birthday

Hanging out with Papa

Baby Z really taking off with the walking

Pretty lemon birthday cake

My Weekend

2009-05-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

No kids--AJ's parents are in town and are taking care of them
Beautiful spring weather. Sunny in the 60's and low 70's.
Half day of work on Friday for AJ so we got downtown early
A nice hotel in a great location, a bargain complements of Priceline
Afternoon delight with sushi for a mid-afternoon snack
A nice dinner with good friends including great conversation
Sleeping in
Lemon Ricotta Hotcakes for breakfast
Being able to walk all over downtown, holding hands, with no stroller or kid legs that get tired
The Mill City Museum Farmer's Market, complete with a special performance by English Morris dancers
Rush tickets to see a show at the Guthrie. The lead is an amazing singer whose voice was rich and full. And then a Q&A with the cast afterwards.
More walking

A stroll though the Walker Sculpture Garden
An amazing dinner
Church in Spanish
More outside time at a park
Home to the kiddos

The perfect weekend together to celebrate our 10th anniversary

Garage Sale Season Has Started

2009-05-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

These exact signs were all over the place this morning

AJ was here this morning and able to take care of breakfast and getting MJ ready for school. He has gone straight to work from seminary every other day this week, and it was nice to have a reprieve. I was content to languish in bed for a while, puzzling over the mysteries and craziness of the Lost season finale that was on last night.

When I finally got up, I went downstairs and was immediately cranky. Baby Z has left messes everywhere. The Cadoo game with all its cards was scattered through the book room. Q-Tips and other bathroom stuff cover my bathroom floor. And in the office? He dumped over a random basket of AJ's with spare change, ticket stubs, collar stays, etc. He is now tall enough to reach up and into drawers, including where I put my makeup and hair stuff in my bathroom. I knew I would have to spend more time than I wanted cleaning up after him. I told him that he would have to stay in a playpen because I can't handle the constant messes. And, indeed, when he threw a fit that I wouldn't let him pull out my boxes of contacts from the bathroom cupboard, I put him in his crib with some toys. He was not pleased. Happily, big brother T jumped in his crib and they had a great time playing together while I cleaned my room.

We needed to get out of the house. I didn't want to spend the morning picking up, with baby Z underfoot and undoing behind me. I got them into the car and off we went. As soon as we drove out of our neighborhood, I remembered it was a garage sale day. Around here, they do them Thursday-Saturday for some reason. And there were signs everywhere. So, we just drove around for a while, listening to Stockard Channing's great rendition of Ramona the Brave, stopping to look whenever we saw a garage sale.

I immediately started to perk up, for who doesn't like to get great deals on stuff you need? This is what we ended up with.

2 booster seats for the kids in AJ's car (he almost bought one at Target last weekend, so this was perfect), $6
Gymboree swim trunks for T, $1
A fun baseball hat for Z, thrown in for free
Sweatshirt for T, 50 cents, in our favorite color orange
Shorts for T, 25 cents
Brand new pair of Keen shoes for T, $4
For $5, books, of course, and they all looked like they hadn't been cracked open, including:

6 Boxcar Children books for MJ
Hardback of Olive's Ocean by Kevin Henkes--We have long loved Lilly, but who knew he also has novels to his name? And it's a Newbery Honor book, too.
Another brand new hardback book, published at the end of 2008--Good Girls, Bad Girls: The Endu ring Lessons of Twelve Women of the Old Testament, written by T.J. Wray, a professor of religious studies
A board book for Z--Hey! Wake Up! by Sandra Boyton

And best of all--a bike for T, $7. I was ready to send him out with AJ to buy a bike.

Total spent: $23.75.

We went over to the library after I ran out of cash.

Women's Voices

2009-05-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day and I've enjoyed handmade cards, a shirt with my kids' pictures on it, and some handmade jewelry. We ate a delicious dinner (I wonder if I can grow fennel in my back yard...I love fennel), complete with a scrumptious chocolate chip cake. I got to take a walk around the lake and read my book. I wasn't upset by Mother's Day talks. I talked to my mom. The only wrinkle: my Mother's Day present to myself hasn't yet arrived from Amazon.

I also wanted to spend some time writing today. Earlier this year, I had such big plans. I was all set with reading for African American History month in February, and being overly optimistic, I planned some reading for Women's History month in March. Well, that didn't work out like I wanted, but I have read some interesting things since then and thought Mother's Day would be as good a time as any to write a few thoughts. I wanted to read about women's lives and experiences. I wanted to hear women's voices. Yes, such a broad objective, so that many things fit.

There were two books that were disappointing. I'll start with them since I don't have much to say about them. Things I've Been Silent About by Azar Nafisi. I listened to her do a book reading and an interview and I was interested to read her newest book about her life in Iran and her experiences with her mother and other family. The book was disjointed, the focus on her controlling mother became tiresome, and I lost interest quickly.

And Monique and the Mango Rains by Kris Halloway. This was the memoir of a Peace Corps Volunteer who spent two years in Mali working with a midwife on maternal and child health. I was interested in the topic, but the writing was flat. It didn't resonate with me nearly as much as another book about poverty and health that I read around the same time--Mountains Beyond Mountains. More on that in another post.

How about a book about Abigail Adams? She's an intriguing historical figure and I was interested to learn more about her after watching (part of) the HBO series on John Adams. Portia: The World of Abigail Adams by Edith Gelles was a collection of academic essays. It felt like each could have been published as an individual paper. Gelles' intention was to write about Abigail completely on her own terms, rather than constantly linking her life and destiny to her famous husband. I thought that to be a bold claim, for so much of Abigail's life was shaped through her relationship with John. How could she be considered independently of him? But Gelles does a pretty good job looking at certain topics that have been ignored by other scholars. By analyzing Abigail's prolific correspondence, she writes about Abigail's relationship with her daughter, with her sisters, and with Thomas Jefferson. She examines the way scholarship about Abigail has changed over time. Abigail had a brilliant mind and was a prolific writer and voracious reader. Writing, for her, was a way to work through issues, to make arguments, and to conduct business with her often absent husband. She said, "There are particular times when I feel such an uneasiness...my pen in my only pleasure." Portia was a penname that she adopted and used to sign many of her letters. She identified herself with Portia, the wife of the Roman politician Brutus.

I liked this bit from a letter written to her by her younger sister Elizabeth:

If ideas present themselves to my mind, it is too much like the good seed sown among thorns; they are soon crazed and swallowed up by the wants and noise of my family and children. The bad writing you must impute to my rocking the cradle.

A sentiment I can relate to.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination is Elizabeth McCracken's beautifully written memoir of the stillbirth of her son. She and her kind, earnest English husband are living in the countryside of France, both working on writing. She is radiantly pregnant, the adorable baby shoes have been purchased, and they have created a vision of their future life with their baby boy nicknamed Pudding. From the very beginning, McCracken lets us in on what will happen. Both her stillborn son, and the living, healthy child that will be born almost exactly a year later. But, the unraveling. Oh, the tragic and painful unraveling.
Here's one section from early on:

I had just stepped over the border from happy pregnancy to grief, but I could still see that better, blither country, could smell the air over my shoulder, could remember my fluency there, the dumb jokes, the gestures, the disappointing cuisine, the rarefied climate. I knew already I could never go back, not then, not for any future pregnancy (should I be so lucky).

The sections on interacting with those who are suffering grief should be required reading for everyone. Here's a little bit.

I remember one lunch with people who had loved us in London early on, two of the most excruciating hours of my life. Nothing but that endless juggling: Other people's jobs and boyfriends. What kind of wine to order. This was two weeks after Pudding died. I might have been something like that gothic character one step short of total ruin: I wanted to rock and sing lullabies and hold out my torn, bloody nightgown and run my hands through my wild hair, and yet I knew you weren't supposed to do such things in polite society. My hair was uncombed, and my face was puffy from lack of sleep and crying and too much wine, and my clothes were what I'd salvaged from the middle of my pregnancy, because of course even though people might pretend nothing was out of the ordinary I had the body of a woman two weeks postpartum, soft and wide around the middle, and if I'd been one step worse off I might have lifted up my shirt to display my still livid stretch marks.

But, I didn't. I could feel how uncomfortable my mere presence made people feel, and I couldn't bear it. So, I sat in this Indian restaurant and listened. Sometimes, a piece of palaver came loose and shot straight toward me and somehow I caught it and tossed it back.

All the while, all I could think was: Dead baby dead baby dead baby.

And finally, All God's Critters Got a Place in the Choir by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Emma Lour Thayne. This is a book of essays about being female and Mormon, about friendship, sisterhood, and community, about motherhood and writing. Like any collection of essays, there were some that were more personally meaningful to me, but this is such a great compilation of their writing. Like Abigail Adams, they both describe their absolute need to write. Emma Lou Thayne is a poet and author and Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is a historian. But, this book contains their personal lives, bubbling over with the richness of their lives and their thoughtful insights.

Early on, Ulrich talks about gifts and talents. "I have come to believe that talent is a inner drive that propels a person to take time." The title of the book comes from a song:

All God's critters got a place in the choir--
Some sing low; some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on the telephone wire,
And some just clap their hands,
Or paws
Or anything they got.

It brings to mind a group of people, all working together for a common objective, but each utilizing their own unique gifts and abilities. The first few chapters filled me with such optimism about using my own talents in a way that both helps me grow them, and contributes to some larger good.

The essays that make up the bulk of the book are filled with experiences from their lives--dealing with cranky neighbors, watching a mother die, going visiting teaching, raising children, and connecting with women across the globe.

In its totality, their book celebrates women's gifts, not as anything generically applied to all with XX chromosomes, but each individual woman's gifts and contributions, unique and precious. For example, Ulrich describes herself this way: "As a daughter of God, I claim the right to all my gifts. I am a mother, an intellectual, a skeptic, a believer, a crafter of cookies and words." Her own identity as a daughter of God, different from any other.

Sisters' Week

2009-05-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

One of my sisters is really hip. And cool. And as such, she has a cool and hip blog, which lots of people visit. She decided to let all of her less cool sisters in on the action by having Sisters' Week. We each got to contribute a post. Collectively, we made up the You Are My Fave: Sisters' Edition.

Now, when I try to tell people how the 7 of us are so different from each other, I will just point them to Mel's blog for evidence.

And I just had to steal her photo of us taken when I was a junior in high school. 1989.

I've crossed a line

2009-05-01T11:07:00.001-07:00

I just sent in a question to Damon and Carlton. I think that puts me more squarely in the camp of obsessed Lost fans. I'm going to console myself with the promise that it won't happen again and that I won't subscribe to any additional Lost podcasts or read any extra blogs deconstructing every episode.

I'm so embarrassed

2009-04-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

This morning, when I was on the phone, I used the words "space cadet" to describe myself. When was the last time that came out of my mouth? Like 1990??

I Have a Problem

2009-04-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

I hardly ever buy new books for myself, especially hardbacks. They're just too expensive. Plus, I like to make sure that I want a copy of a book for keeps before I actually spend all that money on it. That means I check out a copy from the library, and if it's something I want in my book collection, then I'll buy it.

A while back, I discovered the joys of shopping for used books online. With Amazon z-shops, I can usually find a book in good condition for a decent price, but there's always that pesky $3.99 shipping fee. For certain kinds of books that I can't find elsewhere, I'll gladly pay the shipping and enjoy them coming straight to my door. I've gotten a lot of great books this way.

I also love to peruse used book stores. But, even they can't usually compete with the online used book market. A good price for a book there is usually about half the price you could buy it new. It's also hard to really browse in a big used bookstore. I can zero in on specific books I want to look for, but I get overwhelmed just looking around.

Enter thrift stores. I have been taken loads of old clothes and other items I want to recycle to a non-profit thrift store in the area. Usually I just pull around back and drop the bags off. However, I have taken to looking through the book section several times now. A big bonus--it's small enough that I can look at everything. The inventory is constantly changing. And it's exciting to discover something interesting that I didn't even know I wanted. Prices are usually less that $2. Plus, if I pick up a dud, I can get rid of it and not feel cheated out of any significant amount of money.

What treasures I have found! Right after reading Their Eyes Were Watching God for January book group, I found a pristine copy for 50 cents. I snatched it up. I have found some great collections of feminist writings, an edited book of women's autobiographical writings, and some great novels.

On Saturday, I took the opportunity to drop some bags off by myself--it's become harder to browse with baby Z who likes to throw books from the shelves willy nilly. I spent 20 or so minutes and came away with these titles, all for $8 or so:

Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf--hardback, looks like it has hardly been cracked open
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood--an old school paperback copy, perfect for taking on vacation
The Whistling Season by Ivan Doig--my mom read this book and loved it and I have been wanting to read something by him for a while now. A brand new hardback.
Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner--another one that's been on my list for a while now
From This Day Forward by Cokie and Steve Roberts. Another hardback in perfect condition. Although I have this on paperback on my shelf, I couldn't pass it up. I just need to find someone who can appreciate it.
Magyk--Septimus Heap Volume 1. For MJ.
Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo. Another one for the kid book shelf.

My to-read shelf is almost completely full though. I've got to stop buying these books! But, they are so alluring with their pretty faces and the unknown stories beneath their covers...

With Kindle, Can You Tell It’s Proust?

2009-04-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

From the NYTimes

Another reason that I don't like Kindles. How can I see what other people are reading?? It's my favorite snobby spy activity. What can I deduce about someone from their reading material? I do it at the gym, the doctor's office, and on vacation.

Some of my favorite quotations from the article:

The practice of judging people by the covers of their books is old and time-honored. And the Kindle, which looks kind of like a giant white calculator, is the technology equivalent of a plain brown wrapper.
But for the purpose of sizing up a stranger from afar, perhaps the biggest problem with Kindle or its kin is the camouflage factor: when no one can tell what you’re reading, how can you make it clear that you’re poring over the new Lincoln biography as opposed to, say, “He’s Just Not That Into You”?
Michael Silverblatt, host of the weekly public radio show “Bookworm,” uses the term “literary desire” to describe the attraction that comes with seeing a stranger reading your favorite book or author. “When I was a teenager waiting in line for a film showing at the Museum of Modern Art and someone was carrying a book I loved, I would start to have fantasies about being best friends or lovers with that person,” he said.

Ah, I can relate to that last bit. If I saw someone reading one of five or so books, I would immediately introduce myself and set up a lunch. Because, of course, this person would be my new best friend.

(Hmm. That would be a great tool on GoodReads. Each person can select five books, or a cluster of a certain kind of book. Their favorite, central-to-my-identity books. If someone within 50 miles of your geographic location marks it as "read" and has given it 4 or 5 stars, they I am notified by email.)

Park Clean Up Day

2009-04-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

We had a great time Saturday morning going to a nearby park to pick up garbage. Designed to correspond with Earth Day, it was part of a local effort dedicated to cleaning up our parks and lake areas. It helped that the park was remarkably free of trash, so that any discovery was reason for excitement and so that it didn't take us long to finish the job. The mechanical claw also made the pick-up exciting. Plus, we got to stay and play afterwards.

Baby hurricane

2009-04-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Baby Z is almost 14 months old. He's still not walking--he doesn't seem to really care much about it. That's fine with me, because he's still more than enough to handle. He recently gave up his morning nap which gives him plenty of time to explore around the house and pull apart anything he can find. We've babyproofed the most dangerous or annoying to clean up cabinets, but that still leaves plenty of grist for discovery. He mostly likes to stay close to me, but one day last week, he was quite content to travel through the house by himself, leaving a trail of disaster in his wake.

He always gets into the cupboards in my bathroom and pulls out an old box of tampons. I don't know if it's the rustling wrapper that he likes, but I've found them all over the house. Once he latches onto something he likes, he is loathe to give it up. The bathroom is also a great place for cotton balls, q-tips, and foam rollers for MJ's hair.

Last week when I was in the kitchen, he managed to scatter plastic bags, napkins, individual hot chocolate packets, and onions, leaving the skins all over the place.

He pulls books off the shelves, unrolls the toilet paper, and is getting tall enough to reach up to tables and desks to pull things down.

When does this stage end???

Faradasiac

2009-04-21T10:07:00.001-07:00

A new word in the Lost lexicon. Describes one who is infatuated with Daniel Faraday. He's back, baby! He's back!

He is Risen!

2009-04-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

After feeling frustrated that our ward would not get to have its own Easter service today due to a big regional conference, I decided to take in an early service at another church. A lot of the VU clan is in town, and I was lucky that Jason & Becca got to stay at our house due to overflow of family at Dan & Marie's. So, Becca and I left Jason and AJ in charge of getting both dinner preparations underway and the kids to church so that we could head up to an amazing music church.

I should have gotten some sense of what their Easter program would be like since they have services every hour starting at 6 am and going to 1 pm. Once we got there, we parked on the street at the direction of the florescent vested police officer since the lot was filled. We walked in and were directed to the balcony--there were probably 300 people in total there and the nave was full. I got goosebumps and squeezed Becca's arm as we walked past the foyer and I noticed the men in choir robes holding trombones.

We had just sat down when chimes pealed out and the pastor called out "He lives! He lives! Shout the glorious word and let it echo around the world. Jesus Christ is Risen!" Then the trumpets and organ joined in a jubilant fanfare, followed by a joyful and vibrant organ introduction to a beloved Easter hymn--Christ the Lord is Risen Today. I could hardly sing for choking back the tears. We were accompanied by organ and brass. What a perfect way to rejoice in the message of hope found in the resurrection.

The sermon was simple and beautiful. focusing on the events of Resurrection morning and its implications for our lives. The pastor began:

The Easter message of Christ's victory over sin and death is at the heart of what we about at (this church). Easter is a season that gives purpose to all that we do in our congregation. Even Christmas, as wondrous and beautiful as it may be, tells only the beginning of the story. Christmas is a season of promise. Easter is a season of fulfillment. The heart of what we teach in our congregation is the story of Easter.

And then, he went on to say:

We know that Jesus is alive, for he comes to share life with us and give it purpose and dignity. He comes calling us by name saying, "Mary, go to my brothers and tell them that I am risen." "Thomas, look at my hands, put your hand in my side." "Peter, do you believe after all your denials? Go and feed my sheep." One by one, Jesus points to us and he enters our lives and he changes them... He is a living Christ who says I have come to be with you always.

The music was amazing. Just incredible. In addition to brass, there was a group of string players. And I cannot forget the amazing organist. The entire service was moving. I am going to return to this church with AJ and the kids on other holy days. It added a spiritual depth and a feeling of gratitude to my Easter.

Mary Whitmer--Another Witness

2009-04-05T19:43:00.001-07:00

I really like teaching primary. I am having a great time with my class and I have been happy to leave the mainstream adult classes in exchange for hanging out with 10 and 11 year olds. One of my students--L-- is a budding feminist. Or at the least, she has become increasingly conscious of differences between men and women in the church. And she often asks questions about it. In a recent lesson about the restoration of the priesthood, she asked "so, if men get the priesthood, what do women get?" (very difficult conversation ensues, I'm trying to think of something to say while at the same time squelching the comments from the kid in the back of the room saying "they get to cook dinner!)

In another lesson on the witnesses of the Book of Mormon, I was puzzling over why none of the witnesses were women. It didn't seem like there was any divine reason why women couldn't have witnessed the plates--why not let Emma have a reward for her hard earned faith? I suppose in this time period--the late 1820's-- testimonies coming from women would not have carried the same legitimacy and weight as those coming from men. And as it turned out, the first three witnesses were heavily involved in the translation from the start and actually requested to be witnesses. But, still...

During the lesson, L asked if there were any women who were witnesses. I was happy to have thought about it a bit before the question came up, and even happier that the lesson manual contained the story of Mary Whitmer. Joseph, Emma, and Oliver Cowdery were staying in the Whitmer home during some of the translation, and the bulk of the extra housework fell on Mary. (To which L replied a bit caustically, "Why couldn't the men help?) According to the manual, Mary did all the extra work without complaining, and felt like it was her contribution to the work. She was glad to do it, despite her exhaustion. One day, when she was out milking the cow, a man carrying a knapsack came and showed her the gold plates.

Here is an account of this experience written by one of her grandchildren:

I have heard my grandmother (Mary Musselman Whitmer) say on several occasions that she was shown the plates of the Book of Mormon by a holy angel, whom she always called Brother Nephi. (She undoubtedly refers to Moroni, the angel who had the plates in charge.) It was at the time, she said, when the translation was going on at the house of the elder Peter Whitmer, her husband. Joseph Smith with his wife and Oliver Cowdery, whom David Whitmer a short time previous had brought up from Harmony, Pennsylvania, were all boarding with the Whitmers, and my grandmother in having so many extra persons to care for, besides her own large household, was often overloaded with work to such an extent that she felt it to be quite a burden. One evening, when (after having done her usual day's work in the house) she went to the barn to milk the cows, she met a stranger carrying something on his back that looked like a knapsack. At first she was a little afraid of him, but when he spoke to her in a kind, friendly tone and began to explain to her the nature of the work which was going on in her house, she was filled with inexpressible joy and satisfaction. He then untied his knapsack and showed her a bundle of plates, which in size and appearance corresponded with the description subsequently given by the witnesses to the Book of Mormon. This strange person turned the leaves of the book of plates over, leaf after leaf, and also showed her the engravings upon them; after which he told her to be patient and faithful in bearing her burden a little longer, promising that if she would do so, she should be blessed; and her reward would be sure, if she proved faithful to the end. The personage then suddenly vanished with the plates, and where he went, she could not tell. From that moment my grandmother was enabled to perform her household duties with comparative ease, and she felt no more inclination to murmur because her lot was hard. I knew my grandmother to be a good, noble and truthful woman, and I have not the least doubt of her statement in regard to seeing the plates being strictly true. She was a strong believer in the Book of Mormon until the day of her death.

Interesting that the manual version makes the point that she never complained with the extra work before the visitation by Moroni, while this account above seems to suggest that seeing Moroni helped her take up her work without complaining.

Why haven't I heard this story before?? I found a picture of their farm, but no picture of her. However, in 1997, the church made a film about this experience, but they don't sell it. I found a copy on Amazon. Hmm. Maybe I'll have to get it and show it to my class. It also includes a portrait of Eliza R. Snow.

Spring Break Over

2009-04-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

And it ended with snow on the ground this morning. I am crossing my fingers that next week, Easter will be nice enough that we can have an egg hunt outside. The first year we were here, there was no snow on the ground, but it was probably -10 with the wind chill. I sat in the van and watched the kids scramble to get their eggs and then jump back inside. The second year, the whole neighborhood wore their snow pants, boots, mittens, hats, and scarves to search for eggs since there was eight inches of snow on the ground. Please, let there be some semblance of spring this year! The forecast as of now says--yippee!--52 and partly cloudy. End aside on weather.

Ok, so spring break.

Monday: Children's Museum--the kids loved it, traffic was good getting home, we had a great time. A 5-star day.

Tuesday: We went to storytime at the library which for some reason MJ and T weren't too interested in, then went to McDonalds (I know. Terrible, right? These trips are very limited.) for lunch and the playcenter, which was the main draw. Then, we had naptime for baby Z and afterwards, MJ had dance. A so-so day. I give it 3.5 stars.

Wednesday: This was our stay at home day and laundry day. T had come up with the idea of opening a restaurant and so he and MJ had spent a lot of time working on menus and thinking up ideas for it. We got new batteries in the cash register, planned the menu, and hung a sign for MJ and T's Chinese Charm, featuring Pan-Asian cuisine. But, boy, did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I hadn't slept well and was in a foul mood. They got to watch a lot of tv, but the restaurant did open for business, serving sushi, dumplings, orange chicken, and edamame. Our neighbors came over and Sam, 6 years old, sweetly told me (head chef) it was the best restaurant he had ever been too. This from a very picky eater who only had dumplings. But, still, the day (from my emotional standpoint) was terrible. 1 star. Oh, but Lost was on that night, which provided some redemption. Maybe 1.5-2 stars?

Thursday: Yeah! AJ took the day off and I stayed home with baby Z while he, MJ, and T went to a water park. Unfortunately, I had another terrible night sleeping and so baby Z and I napped together. I hate squandering alone time by sleeping, but I needed it. I still wasn't feeling great, but at least my poor kids didn't have to suffer. They had a great time, and we got pizza for dinner. 3 stars.

Friday: After lunch and baby Z's nap, I took the kids to the Mill City Museum and they did well and had a great time. 4 stars. I had no idea that Minneapolis used to be the top producer of flour in the world.

Tomorrow, it's back to school, back to routine. But, it's really only a matter of a short amount of time until summer is upon us. I've been looking at summer activities and registered MJ and T for a few things.

More music troubles

2009-03-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am bugged. Why?

1. Why would a stake conference (not just our stake, but the whole region) be scheduled for Easter Sunday? We would never do anything like that for Christmas Sunday, and isn't Easter just as important a religious holiday as Christmas?

2. The music for stake conference will not be our Easter hymns. The only chance we get to sing them, but we won't be able to. However, on Mother's Day, we will get to sing Love at Home, and the first week in July, we will sing patriotic hymns. I don't understand why we can't sing Christ the Lord is Risen Today--one of the best songs in the entire hymnbook--for stake conference. Instead, we have to sing I Know That My Redeemer Lives, which in my opinion is oversung, at least in our ward.

African American History Month

2009-03-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

February is long gone, but I have just finished my African American reading project. I read Their Eyes Were Watching God in January and that inspired me to do some more reading.

The non-fiction choices were mostly busts. The Shipler book was overwhelmingly large, and the intro didn’t draw me in. Combine that with my sister in town and the non-negotiable inter-library loan due date, and I didn’t give it much of a chance at all. Sorry Maryanne!

I tried a book on race and institutional churches in the US written by sociologists—they suggest that multiracial congregations are an answer to race problems in the country--but found it uninteresting.

And then, I started Mauss’s treatise on changing racial conceptions in Mormonism. It was dense, and I didn’t have the time to commit to it, so it also went back to the library when it came due. I'll have to try that one again later.

The other non-fiction that I tried went down a little bit better. There was the recently published memoir of a girl not much older than me that grew up in a rich California suburb, surrounded by white neighbors. And I read a lot of Du Bois’s sociological classic The Souls of Black Folks.

The fiction that I read:

Toni Morrison’s Beloved. An amazing story about the long lasting effects of slavery. Morrison has a complicated writing style in this book, and the story slowly unravels from the present to the past and then back again until all the pieces are put together. Sethe was born into slavery, and then as a young woman, escaped. But, she is plagued by the memories of life on Sweet Farm, as well as the ghost of her dead daughter. I wish I would have known that there was a supernatural/fantastical aspect to the story. I kept waiting for the mystery of the identity of Beloved to resolve in some logical way, but it never did. I plan to read more Morrison.

Lalita Tademy’s Cane River. The back story behind this one is most fascinating. Tademy was working as a high powered executive in the Bay area when she became obsessed with her family history. This book is the fictionalized account of 4 generations of women, starting with Elizabeth, who were born into slavery on the Cane River in Creole Louisiana. In the introduction, Tademy describes the way that she felt these four women, and in particular her great-grandmother Philomene, urging her on in her research and writing and in the desire that she felt to tell their stories. I would like to read the memoir version of this. Several of these women had white fathers, to the effect of "the bleaching of the color-line" in the words of one of the family matriarchs. Although in many cases, these men provided land and money for their families, they were legally prevented from giving land to their children or marrying their children's mother. In the story of Tademy's grandmother Emily, this leads to a particularly tragic end.

Alice Walker’s The Color Purple. Like Beloved, a Pulitzer winner. I didn't like this one nearly as much, but enjoyed the voice of Celie. The book in written in the form of letters, so Celie's voice is the only one the reader gets to hear for the first half of the book. Then, we get some letters from Nettie, Celie's sister, to provide a contrasting voice. This is a story about the redeeming power of love, friendship, and writing. My favorite line: "I'm poor, I'm black, I may be ugly... but I'm here."

and A Raisin in the Sun, the play by Lorraine Hansberry. I saw a production of this on Friday night, and was so taken with it that I went and got the script so that I could read it. This is the story of a three-generation family in Chicago in the 1950's. The grandmother Lina is the head of the household and the play begins with her about to receive $10,000 insurance money from the death of her husband. The title is taken from Langston Hughes' poem, which wonders about what happens to deferred dreams. In the play, various family member struggle to fulfill their dreams, often to the detriment of each other. And in particular, the drama concerns the battle for the soul and identity of Lina's son, Walter Jr. From a NYTimes review of a 25th anniversary (1983) production:

She (Hansberry) posed all her concerns in a work that portrayed a black family with a greater realism and complexity than had ever been previously seen on an American stage. A writer of unlimited compassion, Miss Hansberry believed that all people must be measured, as she put it, by both their "hills and valleys."

This is a story about redemption and love.

I really liked hearing the distinct voices of black women in these stories. The women portrayed are often poor and seen as basically worthless by society, or at least suspicious characters. Their color alone made them worthy of dismissal at best, abuse at worst. Yet, the authors give life to their stories and make them three dimensional human beings, with dreams and agency and hard times too.

A couple of other general thoughts:

Hierarchy. In these works, white, rich men in these works hold the most power. Black poor women the least. If a black woman has a lighter shade of skin, she is higher up on the ladder than a woman with darker skin. Lighter black women shouldn't marry darker black men. What is it in human nature that makes us so often order everyone?

Empathy. If I had to theorize, I would have said that those people who have been excluded or oppressed by others would be more likely to have empathy for others that are excluded or oppressed. But, that is not necessarily the case, at least here. People who have been dominated and oppressed want to also dominate and exclude. In Baszile's memoir, she recounts a story from her childhood. Once she and her sister became accepted in their neighborhood, they used their social power to exclude another child. Du Bois's essays are full of the way that black men have been emasculated. The language is male-centric. Although he wants black men to be the social and legal equals of white men, he doesn't think that black women should be the equals of black men. (This was also shown in Ulrich's book: abolitionists did not automatically jump on the bandwagon for women's rights.)

Hair. In Baszile's book, the measures black women go to to straighten their hair are incredible. Hair comes up in Raisin too. The character from Africa calls treated hair "mutilated" and the lye treatment Baszile describes does seem like a kind of torture.

This weekend

2009-03-20T14:43:00.001-07:00

I'm on the verge of going away. I'm leaving my family to go to a nice hotel. I am going to a play, a museum, a bookstore, and to some nice dining establishments. I am bringing lots of reading material (that I just got in the mail today!!! Thank you efficient BYU Bookstore. It made me happy that whoever filled my order put it in a BYU Bookstore bag). I have a map. And I'm bringing my laptop so that I can write about all the things I've been thinking about and reading about. Where is this location? Downtown. I'm going downtown, 20 miles away. But, I am going all by myself to do whatever I want to do for 24+ hours. I am so excited! The forecast for tomorrow is 56 and sunny, so I can walk everywhere I want to go. Could it be more perfect? Remember, it's only mid-March in Minnesota, and that means spring is usually still a good 6 weeks away. Amazingly, it will be the first time since baby Z was born that I will be away from him. And I love my AJ for pushing me to do this.

Speaking of Faith on Depression

2009-03-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have just been listening to the recently rebroadcast Speaking of Faith episode entitled The Soul in Depression. This should be required listening for all who suffer from depression and for those who seek to help someone in depression. Very poignant and penetrating insights.

Vintage T

2009-03-12T16:26:00.001-07:00

We had spaghetti for dinner, and I remembered when T was about one and we got this shot of him. Is Ragu all natural?

No Lost...

2009-03-12T15:04:00.001-07:00

I was a bit depressed yesterday because Lost had the week off. I have rhythms that revolve around Lost. The diversion on Wednesdays is the perfect mid-week break. And all of my blog crawling afterwards to put the pieces together after an episode is thrilling. And highly anticipated.

Oh, well. Next week.

In the meantime, is this not awesome or what? An Ace of Cakes Hurley figure. I found the pic on Jorge Garcia's blog with a post about the cake they made for the 100th episode of Lost.

More first birthday

2009-03-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

A card from big brother: "Happy Birthday Zane---No Being Loud" (Not sure where that came from, but I like the sentiment)

One of AJ's famous birthday cakes. I am trying to get him to take the Wilton cake decorating class at Michaels. Just think what he could create if he learned how to do fondant.

The birthday boy was reserved the whole night. I don't think he knew what to make of everything.

1st Birthday, Decorations by Auntie Mel

2009-03-02T19:14:00.001-08:00

My sister spent the week with us. Among the many things she did while she was here was to hand make amazing decorations for Baby Z's first birthday. I think she should give them to all the little people in our family who will be turning one this year because they were so perfect.

Party flags with Baby Z's face on them

A happy birthday banner

Birthday hats with a crown for the birthday boy

A close up of a hat and flag

More on My Life With the Saints

2009-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't finished this yet, but I need to return to the library stat. It is several days overdue, but because superdesign sister was in town last week, I didn't have much time to read or do anything else except to make my house prettier. More on that later. I'll have to finish this book another time. Each chapter--a profile of a saint with the author's experiences woven in--can stand alone, so it will be easy to pick up again.

Mormons look down on the Catholic practice of sainthood and praying to saints. As a missionary, I heard it compared to idol worship. Mormons believe in only praying to God the Father. But, I like Martin's introduction which explains his relationship to and feelings about saints.

First, he describes them as models of discipleship, each one individual, with a unique mission. "Each saint was holy in his or her unique way, revealing how God celebrates individuality. As CS Lewis writes in Mere Christianity: 'How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the saints.' " As Martin learned about the lives of the saints, he studied not only their miracles and saintliness, but also their foibles and struggles, which in turn encouraged him in his weaknesses.

He also describes the saints as companions who can encourage us along the way. "Why not accept the gift of their friendship and devotion? And there's no reason to feel as if devotion to the saints somehow takes away from your devotion to Jesus: everything the saints say and do is centered on Christ and points us in his direction."

In some ways, his view of saints reminds me of how Mormons think about angels (except that there aren't nearly as many famous angels for Mormons as there are saints for Catholics). But Mormons believe that there are people who work for our benefit beyond the veil of earth, who can help us and comfort us, and who we could even talk to. We wouldn't call this praying to them, but prayer is a form of communication.

Here are a few other things that I liked from this book.

From a prayer by Thomas Merton:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

St Ignatius detailed a way of praying called the examination of conscience or the examen, after the Spanish word Ignatius used. He describes this way of communicating with God as a prayer of awareness, that helps God's presence to be more noticed in everyday life. These are the five steps.

1. Ask God to be with you
2. Recall the events of the day for which you feel grateful. These can be anything--small or large. "Offering gratitude help you recognize God's presence in these moments."
3. A review of the day. "Here you try to notice God's presence in the day, seeking an awareness of where you accepted (or did not accept) God's grace. I like to think of this as a movie of the day being replayed. When you recall someone offering you a kind work, you might say to yourself, "Yes, there was God." Conversely, when you recall treating someone with disrespect, you might say, "Yes, there I turned away from God."
4. Asking for forgiveness of any sins
5. Asking for the grace to follow God more closely during the following day.

Martin profiles quite a few saints, and a lot of them are women, including Joan of Arc, Mary, Dorothy Day, and Mother Teresa among other. I like that saints can be women as well as men, and I liked the stories he told about them.

A good read. I was impressed and inspired multiple times in reading what I did.

On Wordiness

2009-02-26T12:04:00.001-08:00

I was just chatting with my sister about her blog. She is amazing at being able to communicate a lot with photos and short amounts of clever and interesting prose. I was lamenting my utter lack of pithiness. I can never say anything in just a few words if a lot of words will do.

When we were talking, I remembered an incident from my childhood. When I was in first or second grade, we had to write a bit about all the books we read. I can't remember if it was to fill in the bookworm that wound its way around our classroom, with each body segment a separate book title, or if it was an index card per book, both of which I did at certain points. Then I remembered a conversation with my mom about a book that I haven't thought of in years. Incident at Hawk's Hill. I laughed so hard when I told my sister what it was about, because it just sounded so funny. It's about a boy being raised by badgers. And then I looked it up, and sure enough, the cover has a big badger on it.

I must have been impacted by the book--I still remember thinking that it was based on a true story. When my mom read my summary of the book on either the caterpillar body or the index card, she asked me if I could leave out a certain part. "NO! These parts are so important! I can't leave them out!"

That is the way I've always been. I can't separate the essential from the extra very well.

My Life With the Saints

2009-02-20T18:28:00.001-08:00

I've only just started this, but am captivated. In this book, a Jesuit priest writes about how various saints have influenced his life in varied circumstances.

A couple of things I have really liked so far:

This is from his introduction--

Gradually, I found myself growing fonder of these saints and developing a tenderness toward them. I began to see them as models of holiness relevant to contemporary believers, and to understand the remarkable ways that God works in the life of individuals. Each saint was holy in his or her unique way, revealing how God celebrates individuality.

And he quotes Walt Whitman:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself.
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)